Saturday, April 6, 2013

reasons men do not pursue

Interesting bit I found here. I have to put a disclaimer out there before I publish this piece, I by no means believe in the dating system. period. I've lived it, I abhor it. As I said before, I dated... a lot! The only system that works, is Gods system, His leading; being open to His prompting & doing it His way. He alone can only orchestrate & all we have to do is obey. He alone will write your love story & it will be different than anyone else's. Your story will be unique & like no other. He is the master of romance! 

Reasons Men Do Not Pursue

Justin Hollabough

My friends who are girls tend to ask, "Why don't guys pursue girls more often?" They get frustrated and angry because men don't have enough courage to ask them out. My typical answer is this: "Its just not that easy." But that's not good enough of an answer, is it? I'm going to attempt to give practical answers as to why guys don't pursue. 

1. A man's pride is fragile. Its true; we don't like to be told "no." Rejection from a pretty girl takes a shot directly at a man's pride. We would rather be 100 percent certain than take a risk at being rejected. In fact, sadly, before I ask out a girl, I tend to make certain that she would be interested. But not until I know, will I dare ask.

Charles Caleb Colton, an 18th-century English cleric and write put it like this: "There is a paradox in pride: it makes some men ridiculous, but prevents others from becoming so." Pride can make us ridiculous, but it can also save us from being rejected. We could be insanely in love with a woman, but our pride will prevent us from taking that so called 'leap of faith."

2. A relationship changes everything. I am on my path toward my career, pursuing God and BAM! I meet a girl. What am I to do? Drop everything & pursue? Forfeit my dreams and run full speed toward a girl? 

The fact is relationships can be terrifying within the Christian realm. Rightfully so because relationships can lead to marriage and often very quickly. With marriage comes a heavy responsibility. If a guy is not ready for marriage, then its hard to realistically ask a girl out. Women tend to have a hard time grasping that. We, as men, would rather not deal with the mess of knowing it will ultimately fail in the end because we are not ready for marriage. This is the Christian dating cycle. 

3. We don't want to lose the friendship. I've seen it over and over again. A guy asks a girl out; she rejects him. Friendship lost, community frustrated, and its the guy's entire fault. It puts us in a really frustrating predicament. One could be absolutely crazy about a girl, but the pressure of the world is on that yes or no answer. Many times, the bad for outweighs the good. If rejected, that wonderful friendship (that guys actually appreciate) most likely takes a giant step back, and that community both of you are in will gain tension and awkwardness throughout. So what is a guy to do? Break up a community? Destroy the friendship? 

These are three of many possible reasons why men do not ask women out. Let me make this very clear: These are not always good reasons, yet they are reasons, and they can and will play a part in the decision-making process. 
In saying all this, I do believe men should still pursue. But women must remember that there is a lot of pressure on the man to pursue. And for the most part, we are happy to do it. Most Christian men want that responsibility. But with pursuit comes many intangibles that most men must think through before pursuit. Girls, understand its not just 1+1=2. We all wish it was that simple. We are not just shallow, emotionless beings. As a Christian, it can be a hefty decision even to ask a girl out. Stay patient, and allow the guy to pursue. Patience is the key. 

(And of course my blog post wouldn't be complete without a photo from North & South :P  Just have to add it in for good measure :P)  A tremendous love story, *at least in our home* even though it isn't real :) And I just cant help but sneak in a photo here & there....just because :) 

1. Would you agree with the three reasons given? Why/ why not? 
2. Are these good enough reasons to not take the risk? 
3. Should you wait for the perfect timing?
4. Are these few reasons validated & understandable? 


  1. I think I agree with everything that he says. I certainly wouldn't want to trade places with a guy. They DO have the harder part. Now, obviously, it is difficult to be the one waiting and waiting, but its also the woman's chance to use her singleness to serve God. Once you are married, your obligations shift and you will no longer be able to do the things that you could do when you were single. God's timing is always perfect because sometimes *I* think I'm ready, but God KNOWS differently. :)
    So, although it can be frustrating for us girls to wait, I'm very appreciative of this guys honesty on the subject. We have to remember how hard it is for the guys and not judge them so harshly.

    One of the things I see a lot, though, in young women who are waiting, and waiting, and waiting is that they begin to wonder if they are good enough for a guy. Are they even attractive to guys? Does any guy view them as a possible life-long mate? Its really tough because we begin to doubt ourselves (especially when you hear all of the guys around you saying that they are 'waiting for the right one').
    So, guys, don't make us wait TOO long... but we'll try to be patient! :)

  2. Good post, something we girls tend to forget at times! Even though I'm not a guy, I do agree with what the author said, a lot of that is very true. If we put ourselves in the guys shoes, I think we'd have a lot more respect for all they are having to go through when pursuing us!

    I also wholeheartedly agree with Sarah. I have lots of friends who are waiting and I've kind of entered the age when that waiting is going to start, and it's hard to not start thinking something is "wrong" with you ( you lack some character issue, or just plain you think you're not attractive to anyone!). In reality, God probably just hasn't brought the right person along for you, but it sometimes is easy to fall into that trap, especially when you do observe a fair number of girls in relationships/getting married, either personally or through blogs, that are pretty young. That's when I think having godly Christian friends come in, especially young ladies, because you can make a point of being encouraging to one another, you're all in the same situation, you can relate to each other. And also not forgetting that just because a guy has never shown interest in you doesn't mean something is wrong with you, it may just mean God hasn't brought the right guy along and He is keeping you for someone very special.

  3. I plan on writing a proper comment to this post but just had to say - it is completely and utterly your (and Michaela's) fault that I my curiosity is peaked and *have* to watch North and South on Youtube now. :P

  4. North and South is one of my favorites. It's different then most Jane Austens, I think. A little more "rugged" perhaps? ;)Anyway, I just finished it for the second time and enjoyed it immensely. Bleak House is also very good, clean ( probably the most of any BBC I've seen) and has some great characters. Sorry, that had NOTHING to do with this topic. =P

  5. I pursue women all the time, Im used to having to go through alot of No's to get to the yesses..At first for us it is painful and takes a major blow to our confidence..Like the Author said..and being one of the rare and actually taking action with women out there, I see alot of men just giving up, WAY more than when I was younger..I see more single men out their with their headphones on and in their own world..And I don't blame them one bit, women can be downright crude, But I am used to it, like I said, I usually go through about 5 ugly ignores/ugly looks from women, 3 shy women that hardly have social skills, and 1 or 2 will meet me on a date.. Its a numbers game that only the players play..I don't WANT to live like a player but I HAVE to because its the only way to gain confidence to actually go through the No's, handle them, regain my composure, and meet the great women out there, and its Well worth it..As far as the other guys are concerned, the SHY/GOOD/PROVIDER type, they won't dare ask women out because one NO or rejection would be a huge Blow to them. But I understand both sides now, being the good guy, and being the player because I was a good guy before.

    Ladies, I love ya but plain and simple, your gonna have to step up a little and take some kind of imitiative, Pursue the men..Regardless of what any body says, its NOT desperate, its the opposite..Trust me, I have been on both sides of the coin. Ask for the number, ask for a date, its not the 70's anymore, women are stronger and way more imdependant. See it from an experienced view point...

    1. David, thank you for replying, you made my day :) First off Im grateful for your comment & also if it weren't for you, I would have never seen that my pics were gone in my post! All fixed now :)

      Ah, I do understand where you are coming from, I dont agree with all of what you said, but I truly understand your side. And you are right, girls can be very catty & insensitive when it comes to a guy pursuing them. Because I come from a Christian perspective, I find that very ugly in a Christian girl & hope that its not the Christian young ladies in your life that you are experiencing this harshness with. If so, I apologize for all the young ladies out there that are not taking a young mans intentions as a blessing & an honor. Shame on them!

      Considering that my blog is geared toward young women, and I come from the Christian mindset, I am only observing what is going on out there in the world with young men & ladies around us. I also have 5 daughters & they have many beautiful, single lady friends who are not being pursued or are just waiting around. Total opposite perspective there. The guys are not doing the job they should be doing in our circles. I cant speak for everyone such as you. You have been out there seeking, I applaud you for that, you are doing what you should be doing. Sorry the ladies are not being ladies.

      Maybe its the stronger independent type that is being so rude? I dont know. I wish I had the answers, its tough out there. I feel for the guys if that helps at all. The ladies sit around hoping someone will notice them & that can go on for a long time, even years! And the guys have it tough too having to put their best foot forward in pursuing someone that they are attracted to & risking being shot down. Possibly over & over again. I can see where that can get old & tiring & discouraging.

      On the other hand, it is the mans job to go after the girl he is interested in, and if that one is not interested the man should move on & keep going no matter how many times the rejection takes place. Its awful, I know & its disheartening, but its the mans job to do this, not the ladies. I dont believe there is anything wrong with a girl giving signals, but the guy is the one that should initiate & make his intentions known. Guys need hints. I think we have made relationships harder than they really are :P A girl can show that she is interested in many ways without losing her femininity & morals. The other side of the coin is, some guys dont catch the hints :P

      Not sure if being a "player" is the answer :) Are you saying you were looking in the wrong places before? Do you feel these woman had a good reason for the rejection at all? Truly just wondering, I am so interested in hearing what my male readers are thinking or have to say about these matters.

      Thanks, David ~ I really do appreciate your stopping in & interjecting on this topic. Good stuff :)

    2. Sorry,David, but Patrizia is standing her ground with women who INSIST that it is the man's "job" to pursue ( enjoyng the hunt, staking out one's rightful possessions), even though it is just that women will give any reason possible just so that THEY themselves will not have to face rejection. Isn't that just wonderful of them?

    3. Sorry ,David, but Patrizia stands by the old guard claiming that it is the MAN's JOB to pursue (something about enjoying the "chase" and manly staking out one's rightful possessions), even though the real reason they state these things is that women, themselves, do not want to be rejected.Isn't that wonderful of them? If the women is SO interested, them she can ask the man out. Then, he knows she is interested.

  6. ennis, thanks for adding to the discussion. Listen, I will repeat as I always do here that some women truly are not worthy of men. Never will I put a halo on the girl, however, it is of my belief that it is not a womens place to ask a man out if she is a respectable young lady with conviction. Women are rejected all the time, this is not true for just men. It is tough for both sides. Traditionally men have always pursued women. I guess perhaps Im old fashioned?

    " even though it is just that women will give any reason possible just so that THEY themselves will not have to face rejection."

    No one likes rejection, but it is what it is. A man was made to chase ~ a women was made to be sought after, what is wrong with that? Seriously, Im really wanting to know. Why have things changed so drastically now that men have given up their rightful position? You would think this sort of thing would empower them? Doesnt it help a man feel in control to be able to be the man in the situation instead of having some young lady taking over his God given role?

    I have no problem with a gal giving hints & allowing herself to be known & discovered & out there to be chased, but I personally think it cheapens the dynamics of the relationship if she becomes the one to lead in a relationship. If she starts there, you best believe she will take control of all else. Im pretty sure that could happen & I would think any guy would want to be in control of the situation at best.

    Side note: Ive seen plenty of ladies take over & totally destroy what could have been. They became relentless & scared the guy away.

    So tell me where you are coming from, I really, really want to know :) Again, you are talking to a lady who has an old mind & believes there is a rightful position for men & women & those places should never be exchanged or mixed up in any way. I am very conservative minded that way.

    Cheerio & please, I really want to hear you :)

    1. And to stress my point: I have NO problem with women letting a guy know in some way that she is interested. However, the guy needs to pick up on it & take the next step. Its what a man is supposed to do, its always been that way. If he sees without a shadow of a doubt that she has dropped major hints or made herself available to him, he should have no fear of being rejected. A woman is at liberty to ask a guy out, that is her choice, but I still think it is the duty of the man to lead & take the initiative to take the step toward a relationship. It is a courtesy to the young lady; a compliment. It shows she is worth it all to him & that he will lead her well. Girls think differently than guys do ~ we are emotion driven as opposed to men who are logically driven. We think with our hearts, men think with their brains.

    2. Ms. Patrizia - Responding on this website is harrowing! But Wow!, what a sensible and thoughtful reply,without the usual insults. I certainly do not have any religious basis for what I say, and can respect the fact that you and your family derive much comfort and solace from your religious faith. My beef is with the double standard about how the man MUST pursue the woman, to compliment her and show her that she is worth it ( while he is not?).
      I have NEVER asked a women to dance or to come out on a date.If she is interested,she asks me and we either dance, or we plan a date and I pay, delighted to have her company. I do not feel like she cheapened me or herself ( or anything) by doing this, and I do not feel like she "robbed" me of any coveted birthright to chase her around.I am always AMAZED to hear about his "men hunting" in the jungle bit ( no self-respecting jungle would accept me?) that women claim "proves" that they should be sought after and lowly, worthless men should not be.
      You say that there is a certain "control" going on in these relationships that the man has over the woman, since he "leads" it.I have NEVER head a women say that her husband is in such control and
      I dare to say that the misunderstanding of this dynamic explains our 50% divorce rate ( even higher in Calif). I truly believe that the "women present -men pursue" doctrine is a myth.
      I do not say that women are supposed to fall my feet nor that I am somehow "entitled" to women
      (women love to say that).Many women tell me, and will tell you that they had to ask their present husbands out on dates because the guys did not know of their interest or the guys did not pick up on the "obvious" signals that women claim they put out to the men of their choice.
      I do not say that women who approach are saying that they want immediate sex, just that they are interested in me, to see where it goes.I do not see them as needy nor desperate, just as people, like me, because guys are people,too.
      I have far too much respect for you and your views to EVER say that your ideas could be "old", and I certainly have a healthy respect for many, not all, traditions.I might think with my brain, but I am not all that smart! I am just a man. Maybe we will agree to disagree
      on this gender difference. Peace .- ENNIS

    3. Ms. Patrizia - Wow! What a sensible and thoughtful reply, and without the usual insults.What I say has no religious basis at all, but I certainly understand that you and your family members derive solace and comfort from your faith. My problem is the perception of this double standard which allows women to criticize men who do not woo or court them, as you have described.
      I have NEVER asked a woman out,and expect that I never will, not knowing if the woman is actually interested on me.If trhe woman is so interested, she asks me out and we plan the date, and I pay for it, delighted to have her company. She does not look needy or desperate and does not owe me sex just because we had a date ( she owes me nothing,as women love to say).
      I do not say that she "robbed" me of my coveted birthright to be a "hunter in the jungle" and chase
      her around for pleasure. There are many happily married women out there who say that they had to ask their longtime husbands out on the first date either because the guy did not pick up on those
      "obvious hints" , as you say, or just did not know that the woman was interested at all. These
      women do not describe a lot of problems with the "leadership and in control" issue, saying that it is probably better for both of them that the ritual husband does not have this "I am in charge here so live with it" attitude. Some say that your traditional courtship actually would take place just as soon as the man knew that the woman was really interested in him, so that he was all over her.Women want to withhold their show of interest as a bargaining tool?
      Do you really believe that guys do not just play YOUR game out of an obligation, just to get sex,because they see no other way toward what they want? Once married, that might explain the 50% divorce rate (even higher in Calif.) As for myself, I never felt this need to "hunt" women down and to "live for the chase", as no self-respecting jungle would ever accept me. I am admired by my friends, some are men and some are women.
      I have far too much respect for you and your views to EVER say that your ideas could be "old",
      or that tradition is necessarily a bad thing. Thinking with my brain?I am not that smart,I am just a guy, who could be looking forward to being a husband and a father some day. Peace. -ENNIS-

    4. haha... ok, I got about 7 different responses from you, all about the same but worded differently, so I only published a couple. I wasnt sure if I should publish all of them, please take no offense :)

      A sensible & thoughtful reply, you say? whew :) I didnt realize I was insulting.... hmmmm....

      Here is the difference & I really do understand your thought process, Ive been there & used to believe the same. Because now I practice Biblical living & it is a life style, my thoughts on this topic have changed immensely. So see, my take on relationships has changed in a huge way. My blog is about relationships in how I see them now as opposed to how I used to operate, so please understand where Im coming from ~ a totally different view point.

      Im glad you are not some sort of, "you owe me" kinda guy when you are in company with a lady, that is wonderful & I applaud you for this. A blessing to know that there are guys out there with a higher respect for women.

      So, you wait until you think a woman is interested in you & then make the move from what I am understanding from your post. Fear of rejection? That is the conclusion I come to, only because of having so many young men in my home (friends) they too express the same thing, "I only ask if they seem interested.... BUT... its because I do not want to be rejected." Not my words, but theirs. This is why I rant like I do :) JUST ASK! Take the risk, go for it, whether you will possibly get rejected or not. Thats all Im striving for. Biblically (again, my views) the guy is always the initiator. So, I stand on that. However, I do respect & get where you are coming from, so please know, I mean no harm.

      It really comes down to reclaiming manhood. The woman of today wants power in every way. Perhaps that is not a serious problem for you, but as a Christ follower, it is for me. A woman should have mystique; a treasure to be known. Biblically the man is the head & the leader in the home & to be respected. When his God given role is taken, the woman takes over & it seems that is what todays man wants.

      No bargains! I can see where you would think that though... good point :) It may appear to be that way, but really its not. We want men to lead, its our nature. We want to feel secure in a man leading us. Woman can be manipulative & catty & drama queens ~ we are a mess SOMETIMES. :)

      I said nothing about women sex btw :) The divorce rate in Cali is what it is to be expected, being a Godless state that they are & as liberal in their thinking as most Californians are. They are headed
      for disaster. My brother lives in Cali, & oh he would rather do without any of the women there. He says most he has met are vipers & controllers. He is not Christ minded in anyway, yet can see the emasculation of men. Women want to be superior to men, that may not sound so terrible, but to me, it is.

      you say:
      As for myself, I never felt this need to "hunt" women down and to "live for the chase", as no self-respecting jungle would ever accept me. I am admired by my friends, some are men and some are women.

      A nice lady is worthy of your hunt :) Its easy to catch just any old typical gal, but the worthy ones are worth the chase. But please know, I understand your saying this, I do! I dont necessarily agree.

      Yay! Ive gained some respect :) But, I am old ;)

      I really hope you will have the blessing of becoming a husband & father some day too. Seems like its a goal! As it should be for any normal man :)

      Please, please know, I say all things with respect, a happy heart & smile. I mean no harm & am so very respectful & open to all you are saying. I so appreciate the fact that you read my blog even though it makes you want to throw your hands up sometimes! haha...

      Well, Im off to find some more controversial articles..... Blessings, Ennis :) PS. Im in a hurry & havnt any time to go over anything I wrote. Im taking a chance by not editing, but here goes....

    5. yikes! what a mess! Good luck in figuring out anything I said, I reread quickly..... It was supposed to say, "I said nothing about sex." oh bother.

    6. Ms. Patrizia - Thank you so much for your honest insights! I could not let it lay without saying that I never thought that you had insulted me.I just said that your posting was very sensible and honest and it came without the usual insults which women choose to toss out there. Have a blessed day!

    7. Yay! Wonderful :) all is well with the world now :) glad you stopped back in :)