Friday, March 8, 2013

why I wont pursue guys

How often do you see girls gone boy crazy & doing whatever they can to get the guy to notice her & using all sorts of tactics to get his attention in hopes of reeling him in? I see it all the time! Its just one of those things that just drives me absolutely crazy. Ladies be ladies!   :)   (big smile there)

The complaints I hear from the men in our circles:  "Being a guy is harder than being a girl because you have to pursue & I don't want to be rejected."

The ladies: "I wish girls could pursue, Id do it in a heart beat & I wouldn't even think twice about it. Too bad Biblically women are not in that position. Its not fair we have to wait, its much harder to wait." 

So, whose right? Personally I think both are validated, both very difficult spots to be in. Period. Not easy for the guys, not easy for the girls. However, since I do not have sons, I can only speak to what I know best, girls :) 

Girls do not pursue. Stop your attention getting to the point of distastefulness, what you deem note worthy may be a turn off to the young man you are trying to bait. Then there is the other side of it, it may work, but you will soon be found out. When the honeymoon is over, the truth will reveal itself. So, just be you! If he is the right one, he will notice you even without all of your silly, theatrical persuasions. 

I know, I know its so hard to wait! But do. And when that time comes & he notices you, its going to be above & beyond what you've imagined. Take heart, waiting is easier said than done, I'm with you on this & I know it can be very difficult.  

Why I Won't Pursue a Guy 

Paula Hendricks
My mom used to make me so mad by saying, "If he likes you, he will pursue." I didn't like that one bit . . . because the guys I liked never seemed to pursue me!
I was convinced—he just needs a little more encouragement. A little more prodding. 
So I schemed and manipulated. I situated myself where I knew he would be. I bought little gifts and left them for him with a clever note. I took extra care with my hair and clothes. 
You would think I'd have gotten results, but the only results were disappointment and a cheap feeling of being used. 
It took a long time, but slowly—very slowly—I began to give God control in the area of my love life (my non-existent, but hoped-for love life, that is). 
Recently, I was encouraging a friend not to initiate Facebook chats with a guy who is interested in getting to know her, but to wait to respond to his lead. My advice sounded so strange, even to my own ears. So I decided to sit down and actually write out the reasons why I don't pursue men and why I don't think any other woman should. Are you ready for them?     
1. It's not the wayJust as God wired us women to want to be pursued, God wired men to want to pursueIsn't that great? God's way is beautiful. Take figure skating as an example:
"[The man] leads [the woman] onto the ice and initiates each part of their routine. She receives that leadership and trusts in his strength. His raw, physical strength is more on display than hers; he does all the lifting, twirling, and catching. She complements his strength with her own-a more diminutive and more attractive strength of beauty, grace, speed, and balance. His focus as the head, or leader, is to magnifying her skills. Her focus is on following his lead and signaling her readiness to receive his next move. He takes responsibility for the two of them, and she trusts his leadership and delights in it" (John Ensor, Doing Things Right in Matters of the Heart). 
Under western skies...
I may not know you personally, but still, I know you. Deep down, you don't want to romance a guy. You want a guy to romance you! You want to be swept off your feet. So do it! Sit back, relax, and wait to be pursued, wooed, and won!
2. I'm not actually waiting on a man to pursue me, I'm waiting on God to "gift me" to him!Whenever you're feeling frustrated over how long it is taking a guy to notice and pursue you, remember that God is in control of timing, of this guy's heart, of everything.
Proverbs 18:22 says, "He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the LORD." (Notice because of God's favor, the man finds the woman and not the other way around.) 
Similarly, Proverbs 19:14 tells us, "House and wealth are inherited from fathers, but a prudent wife is from the LORD."
"The king's heart is a stream of water in the hand of the LORD; he turns it wherever he will" (Prov. 21:1). If the Lord can move the heart of the most powerful man in the land, he can turn any man's heart! 
3. I want a man to prove through his pursuit that he is a man who will lead and love me well after marriage, which will make it much easier to submit to him then.
Let's just imagine that you do capture that special guy's attention. You begin dating, and then he pops the question. Before long, you're a wife! Now what?
Well, Ephesians 5:22–33 make it clear that as a wife, you are to submit to your husband in everything, as to the Lord. The question is, have you modeled and practiced a different pattern in the months or years leading up to your marriage? Did this man lead and pursue you, or did you pursue him? Don't wait until marriage to hand over the reins of leadership. It won't work well. Start now, and wait for him to step it up and pursue (or not).    
1. do you agree? Why or why not? 
2. Have you been the initiator and pursuer with guys? 
3. How has it worked for you?


  1. Great post.

    1. yes,I agree. A girl makes herself cheap by going after guys and I've never met I guy wanted to marry a girl that pursued him. I think if a man has the courage to ask my dad and me because he loves me/wants to get to know me then he'll show that that I'm worth the risk of rejection.

    2. I don't think,I hope not anyway.I can be very outgoing and sometimes I feel maybe I am a little to outgoing with the guys,but I know if my sister who is quieter it would probably be taken as flirting possibly,but I think I could get away with cause I'm like that all the time with girls and guys.

    3. Well,lol, waiting so far hasn't been half bad! =)Personally if a guy ever showed a 'special' interest in me I'ld feel honored that he likes me for me instead of me doing soemthing for him to like me and have questions if he was actually interested in me or my 'proding' made him notice me.

    Thank you for this post its a great reminder to us girls that are beginning to wait or are have been waiting for our prince.

    1. Thank you, Blythe :) Well, an outgoing personality can be a beautiful thing & it can give the wrong message true. I do believe too that a young man should do the pursuing & if he wants the girl he is going to have to go full force in fear of losing her to someone else. Which can happen :) I also think that a girl should be pleasant & friendly without all of the silly flirting that comes with it, especially if she is doing it to many.

      you are wise :)

  2. 1. do you agree? Why or why not?
    Yes, I agree. Something is lost when it is the girl who is doing the pursuing. While not in all cases, it can also cause the girl to become more "aggressive", and less feminine, as girls should be! Plus, it doesn't really sound right for a guy to be swept off his feet by a girl, does it? ;)

    2. Have you been the initiator and pursuer with guys?
    No. For one, I just turned 20, so up until I was later into being 19 that I started thinking about marriage more as something I would like in the future. So basically, I never thought of pursuing because I was not ready to be married.
    Secondly, I do not think it is the place for a girl to be the initiator or pursuer. I'm sure to some girls this may be a discouragement, because they may have an interest in a guy, but he is doing nothing to initiate a relationship. In the situation, I would say either the guy isn't interested, and you need to get your focus on something else, or if you do think the interest is there, but the guy is just lacking courage, pray that God would give him the courage he needs!

    3. How has it worked for you?
    Can't answer this one at this point, because I'm never pursued or been pursued. =)

    1. Samantha, always so happy to hear from you.

      So, is it ok to show a young man your interested at anytime & how does that work?

    2. edit my typo - I've never BEEN pursued ( at least not yet *smile*) or have I pursued someone. Not "I'm never pursued". =)

      I'm really curious to how some guys would answer you question "is it okay to show interest", because I'm really not sure what they would consider "okay". I know flirting is wrong, but what kinds of things can we do to let guys know our interest in them is mutual? Especially if we treat each guy the same, i.e. not showing preferance to any one guy in particular.
      I'm sure there are ways, but I'm not really sure what they are.

    3. hehe...

      Yes, I so do wish I had more guy followers to help us out :) Again, I do not have sons & Im not sure how my husband would deal with that. You have great questions!

  3. I agree with you Madonna, a woman should not pursue a man. Just as it is innate in a girl to want to be pursued, it is innate in the guy to want to do the pursuing... albeit some guys have it buried waaaaaaay down deep.

    However, as a guy, I know that I would like her to let me know if she is wanting me to pursue her. Just something to say that she is open to me personally. Otherwise it can make you jump to conclusions and read into things and you might wind up in a rather awkward predicament.

    1. Josh, I so appreciate all you have to say, Ill start right there :)

      Hmmmm... ok, I agree with you, a hint or two sure does help, no? I don't have a problem with that at all btw. :) So, since your a man, what does that look like? What sort of signs is a guy wanting? I mean without the girl coming right out & saying she is interested, what do you deem acceptable? I mean is friendliness enough? What should a girl do? Help us ladies to understand. And I ask this in all curiosity & really want to know & learn.

      thank you btw for shedding light here & sharing from a mans point of view. It is so very refreshing :)

    2. Ogni lode a Dio ;)

      Well... From my experiences and observations, (A brief back story: I have been engaged twice. The first time the dad kept changing his requirements for setting the date. It ended up being, " A job that pays at least $40,000 a year, a fully paid off house, a fully paid for car, and two years salary saved in the bank and that it was "strongly encouraged" that I live within 5 miles of her parents. My response, "No."

      The second time we were three months out from our wedding when she decided that she would rather continue to work with her dance troop than get married and go on to the mission field with me.)

      a guy wants to know that the girl finds him attractive as a potential spouse. He wants to know that she sees qualities in him that she wants in a husband. It's usually in the body language, a look, a smile, something that says very clearly that she is, to use modern slang, digging you.

      It is hard to fully define, made doubly so by the modern trend of friendys. Now before I go into that at all, I want to state that I very much prefer a young lady who is friendly and unabashed in the company of guys vs the shy and timid flower that looks as if she would rather be in any other locality than where there are males. It's like she is allergic to testosterone or something.

      In the past, a young lady being friendly with a young man would have been enough of a come on, however with all the girls being friendly with all the guys it has become a confusing environment. I speak from personal experience, mine and my brothers. We have had young ladies that we were interested in and would bring it up to our parents. They would observe the girl and then come back and say that they thought she was interested in us due to the way that she was engaged in conversation with, and appeared to be highly comfortable around us and etc... Then upon further examination, the young ladies were equally friendly with all the other guys and as equally as engaged in their life. Just to be sure, the question was posed to them if they would be alright with us courting them. They appeared shocked and said that they wanted to be just friends.

      If I had to define what I am saying I would have to say the closest thing to compare it to would be flirting. Now before the sirens go off and the red lights start flashing at the mention of THAT word, I do not mean flirting in the worldling sense as there is a big difference between being flirtatious and flirting. I mean it in the sense of the girl sending signals that she is interested in the guy. Doing things to you that she doesn't do around or to any other guy.

      Because at that point she is not pursuing you. She is waving the red flag in front of the bull that says, "Catch me."

      Now I understand that there is a risk involved for the girl in this just as there is a risk for the guy. Relationship is by nature risk. Consider Jesus. He risked His very life. risk has been the price of love since the foundation of the world.

      With that said, if the guy is not interested and the lady is sending him signals, it is his responsibility as a man to be honest with her. This means actually talking to her and telling her straight up that he is not interested, in a gentle way of course. Keeping things in shadow will only wound in the end. Better to get it over with up front. The Bible says something about this: Proverbs 27:5 "Better is open rebuke than hidden love."

      In closing, I think girls are very much aware of how to send those signals while remaining non flirtatious as well as not being the pursuer. I mean if you are actually having to pursue a guy then he is most likely not interested in you in the first place. But putting out "bait", if you will, is a natural part of the romance. You can see it even in the animal kingdom. God designed it. We humans have over intellectualized the whole process to the point of no longer being able to sense the natural way of the "dance".

    3. Yes, all praise to God!

      (this comment won't fit all in one post, so I have to split it up. See below to continue.)

      Sounds like the first father was a narcissistic & with control issue.If the girl was old enough maybe she would have given him a hard time, however she complied & agreed to this, but I do not know the details, so just speculating. I would hope any young man would say "no" to this situation. Leave & cleave a direct order from the Almighty. In my opinion it so very important to clear all matters before an engagement so that this sort of thing doesn't happen.To expect all of those particulars from you is unrealistic. When my husband & I dated (& we did everything wrong & opposite of Gods Word) We struggled together through every step of the way. We went through thick & thin together. We just put our best foot forward & just lived life as it came. Crazy maybe, I dont know. Again, Im just going on what you told me, dont know the particulars & am just chiming in on what I am reading, please do not take any offense :) A girl ought to go where ever her husband is, even if that is Timbuktu. Its all part of becoming one. Ok, dont want to bore you with all of that :) Im sure Im preaching to the choir.

      Engagement #2 sounds like it was a bit more serious if youve made it to 3 months before marriage stage. Too bad you lost the girl of your dreams, sorry to hear that. She too was gravely mistaken & the Lord protected you in this. If she loved you she would have jumped at the chance to be with you & support you in your goals & would do that with gladness. A shame right there. Again, wrong choice perhaps. She was not putting her interests aside to stand by your dreams, She should have jumped at the chance to just be with you & by your side. Sad. Only speaking from what youve said of course. 2 engagements under your belt.... hopefully the third is the charm & you will find the right one some day.

      So then, how will you know the next one is the right one? Im not wanting answers, just putting it out there.

    4. I would agree with you on the idea that a guy wants to knowif the girl is interested & if he should proceed. What if a young man thinks hes reading into something, but its not really there? I do think however 2 people can 'just know." Its the way God made us. A girl may be discreet but yes, those signs can be read & a young man will just know through natural instinct that, "yeah, this girl digs me." haha.. Im laughing at that :P Can you dig it? ok, ok,,,, sorry, getting silly here.

      You have very good points on the "friendly" stuff. We have taught our daughters to be just themselves around men. We are also under the belief that if they are attracted to a guy, its going to be a bit hard to contain it & it will show somehow whether through words, a certain smile or look or body language or just hanging out with the guy. Thats ok. :)You are so right, it can be very confusing out there, that is why the guys need to find out some how if its a go or not, so they can move on with their lives. A girl should automatically know that any guy in her circles may approach the courtship question. Therefore she should not be "over the top" & then in turn reject the guy she was giving vibes to. Its a way of defrauding & not caring for your "friend." ect.... again, preaching to the choir, but for the sake of discussion here since I have young ladies that read my blog, being that it is geared to young ladies :)

      K, I have a problem with worldy flirting, I mean, "just propose to the guy!" its so unattractive in a lady. Key word, "lady" I do not believe it is morally wrong for a young lady to show attention to a specific guy as long as she is not doing that with every guy that even looks at her or speaks to her or if she is just plain boy crazy. If she is specifically targeting someone, it will show. Even if she tries to hide it. If the guy in turn is interested also, the Lord will speak to his heart & he too will see this. Its a beautiful thing. :) I get the "dance" thing btw ;) The red flag can wave ever so slightly in a true lady, but it will wave & he will see it, God will make him in tune to it. I agree that that is not pursuing its just giving a green light, green lights are good. God is so very good to make us this way! There is a risk involved for even the girl, but if she wants the guy she will be willing to risk it in hopes of getting the guy she wants to spend the rest of her life with. Its great! Also, shame on the girl who is acting the same way around all the guys. If she is targeting someone, its him she should only be open for & he alone should she be giving vibes to, period. She ought not to be communicating with every Tom, Dick & Harry out there, just the one she is interested in. I hate that this goes on btw.

      What if the guy just thinks its a friendship & the girl does not? How would he know to tell her he is not interested in hopes of not hurting her? Again, enlighten me & my readers :) And yes, if he does realize the girl is falling head over heels over him, he needs to end it. So true.

      Yes, I do believe girls are very aware, God designed it as such. I just have trouble with a girl manipulating in hopes of getting the attention & then dropping the guy like a hot potato. Its mean. IF she is intentionally giving off signals, she better mean it. And she better be ready for when the guy calls for her! Romance does start there, I agree :) It is a natural thing & it should happen.

    5. You summed it up very well :)
      Reading your comments is great! For the content yes, but also because I haven't run into very many people who treat on this subject with the clarity and candor that you do. It is highly refreshing!
      I hope the young ladies who read this are as encouraged as I am.

      Okay you asked two questions: ( My sister is awaiting her Krav Maga lesson so I wasn't able to read this over but once so if I missed something let me know.)

      1: How will I know if she's the one?
      I'll admit that I have been very confused after "losing' twice. Especially since I sought the Lord and my parent's blessing before hand. There were things that happened that only the Lord could have done that confirmed to me that this was His will and yet, it never came to pass. All I have been able to say is like Job, "Though He slay me, still will I praise Him." Because those situations really hurt :P

      Still, I know that it is God's will that I be married, and I know that He will bring her to me as He brought Eve to Adam when He sees fit. Really there is never any guarantee that any relationship will work. I just know that a prize worth having can only be gotten by risk. So I'll keep praying and seeking council and not being afraid of risk. :)

      2: "What if the guy just thinks its a friendship & the girl does not? How would he know to tell her he is not interested in hopes of not hurting her?"

      If a guy is too dense to recognize the signs a girl is sending.... He needs a good kick in the pants.

      Again though I think it comes to the issue of treating guys as close friends vs as acquaintances. If a guy feels like a girl is sharing herself with him emotionally and spiritually, he will grow to feel as though it is his responsibility to protect and cherish her, even if he would never define it in those terms.

      This is in fact taking on a responsibility that is meant to be a part of the marriage relationship. Now I don't mean to negate chivalry because any guy who sees a damsel in distress is, in my opinion, obligated to do something even if he knows he will die in the process. But the difference is that the protective instinct in a close friendship is born out of affection for her and not simple "duty" if you will.

      So if a girl is surrounding herself with guy friends that she is close with on the emotional and spiritual level, then she is sending signals to all of them whether she is meaning to or not. So in that case it is going to be much harder for a guy to discern. Regardless of what the friend situation is, it remains the guys duty to be aware. It comes with the territory of being a guy. If some one is to be hurt... it had better be the guy.

      However, in the event of a dense guy who is just clueless... Maybe at that point other friends need to drop some not-so-subtle hints. I don't mean an attempted match making, I am talking like you are golfing and some one yells, "Four!"

  4. also, you say: "However, as a guy, I know that I would like her to let me know if she is wanting me to pursue her."

    So a girl should let a young man know she is interested in him so that he in turn can pursue her? What if he is not interested in her, but she approaches him first, that is a bit of an awkward position for her to be in, no? Or am I not understanding? :)

    again, Im not questioning you, just curious. Young ladies are at a loss it seems as to what to do with guy/girl relationships. :)

  5. First off, I wrote that last response on Annas lap top & I couldnt see a thing, so sorry for all the jumble, misspellings ect.... again, my response is long so its in two sections. Look below.

    Both my husband & I are very out going & straight forward, I think it has trickled down to our daughters also. Dont know if its the Italian or the Lord :P haha.... We wear our hearts on our sleeve to a fault. Always trying to avoid candy coating anything.

    So glad you were encouraged, praise the Lord. We are to lift one another up as Christians, not a lot of that going on. We all have a past & we all are sinners, its a journey. This is what He died for :) Thankfully!

    Hmmmm.... I know what you mean. Seems like this does & should happen, the whole thing about "knowing" something is from the Lord, but only to find it was all to fall apart. Its the whole idea of refining, molding & shaping us. He allowed it & it was for His glory & good, in turn you win, because He has brought you through the fire & has polished you through it. Its what we tell our daughters also. Trials are terrible while we go through them, but after its all said & done & the healing has happened, we can see the bigger picture & He ends up being right! And He walks along with us, never leaving our side. He ends up the winner, because He has seen his child's faithfulness through it all. So serious trials are good :) Perseverance & faithfulness, we as Christians just have to keep moving, put our hands on the plow & never look back. Its a beautiful thing!

    Certainly can understand the confusion. yikes. Again, He will show you, no doubt there. He has done so much for us as a family & He has put up with us, He is a great & mighty God!

    1. It is all about risk. Life is risk. Not always easy, but nothing is full proof except for Him. And thats how we live life, knowing risks are involved & knowing hurt may come with it, but we end up better for it.

      Josh, I have bad news for you, there are many "dense" guys out there. hahahaha... oh, & girls :P When you are not walking in the Spirit, you are like a blob, being tossed to & fro like the wind. In our day & age, & I speak of the "church" there is much emptiness & no risk takers. But, oh dear, you do not want me to get started on that one, I could write a book, but Ill spare you now :) If our young people had there eyes set on Christ, they wouldn't be dense or floundering, the answers are there, right in front of their noses. We have a disobedient generation. Saying all this, we are not perfect by any stretch of the imagination!

      you say: " Again though I think it comes to the issue of treating guys as close friends vs as acquaintances. If a guy feels like a girl is sharing herself with him emotionally and spiritually, he will grow to feel as though it is his responsibility to protect and cherish her, even if he would never define it in those terms."

      Its tough out there, relationships have become like surgery, way too complex. When I was young & was available & in the world (an understatement) Young men were bold, if they wanted the girl, they would just ask. Never thinking twice & they dealt with rejection & of course just moved onto the next girl. Not saying that thats right, but it wasnt complicated & its not in the world, its easy. In the Christian realm, its a bit more serious & it has some strings attached & everyone best interest at heart. But, its really not that hard. I think we have made it much more intense. My opinion, but I could be wrong. And yes, if a girl is sharing her heart emotionally & spiritually, she digs you. hahaha... I love that! Such a 60's term, reminds me of the Brady Bunch :P But you know all this, Im just giving my view point again :)

      A girl should be taught or know better that if she is surrounded with many guy friends (some girls have more guy friends than others btw) that she better remind herself where her priorities are & to be obedient to Christ as she interacts. I dont think too many young ladies are taught this. A girl knows what she is doing, she likes the attention & she doesnt care from whom. Its innate. This is why so many get stuck in the fairy princess world & become queens. I so stress on this blog to the young women here, be a lady. Act, look & respond like a lady. If you are sweet on someone, reserve it for him only. If the girl is falling into the pattern of giving every young man her emotions & her spiritual life maybe it is her problem & repentance must take place. Until she repentance she has no business interacting with young men. Its just loving your neighbor as yourself. Moms should be teaching their daughters to avoid this sort of thing.

      Rejoicing In Him!

  6. Thank you Miss Patrizia and Josh for this conversation I have enjoyed reading it and have gleaned new insight from it.

    I would like to add that what you said Miss Patrizia " girl should be taught or know better that if she is surrounded with many guy friends (some girls have more guy friends than others btw) that she better remind herself where her priorities are & to be obedient to Christ as she interacts. I dont think too many young ladies are taught this. A girl knows what she is doing, she likes the attention & she doesnt care from whom. Its innate. This is why so many get stuck in the fairy princess world & become queens. I so stress on this blog to the young women here, be a lady. Act, look & respond like a lady. If you are sweet on someone, reserve it for him only. If the girl is falling into the pattern of giving every young man her emotions & her spiritual life maybe it is her problem & repentance must take place. Until she repentance she has no business interacting with young men. Its just loving your neighbor as yourself. Moms should be teaching their daughters to avoid this sort of thing. "
    also applies for the guys to that they need to be careful not to be sweet on or be sending signals to many girls. It is easy for a guy even (at least speaking for myself) to share you emotional and spiritual life to a young lady an in that way get to be closer friends than one should be before even know from God if that person is the one that God is leading you toward. Plus, when a person shares their emotional and spiritual life deeply with a person of the opposite gender their mind can get clouded and it becomes harder to determine what God is saying. Thus I agree that we must be very diligent to be evaluating ourselves and making sure our focus is on Christ and the good of the other person and repent if we are doing this just for the attention and good feelings (yes, guys can have this problem too ;) ).

    1. Yes, you are so very right! I so value the wisdom of my male readers. Ladies can so easily be deceived, it blesses me to know you take part in these conversations. I do not have wisdom, just a bit of experience having daughters, but we need men to show us the way :) thank you so much!

    2. Thank you! Something that has really frustrated me is the fact that we teach ALL the time to our daughters about modesty, not flirting, etc.etc.etc. but we completely miss the guys! (give and take a few! :D) A common saying at our house is that "a guy can court/date for months-sometimes years before his heart is involved. For girls it is right away." Although there are exceptions, I do believe the essence of this quote is true. Girls just hear the word "court" and their hearts go pitter-patter! (mine included) Where as the gents can take a bit longer. Which is such a good thing, but I don't think they realize that.

      All that to say that I agree with your comment and want to thank you for it. Especially about sharing on a more intimate level- whether emotional or spiritual. That is an easy, easy way to find yourself stuck between a rock and a hard place!! Of course, if girls can realize this they will at least be ready for those feelings and better able to deal with them.

      Good post, Patrizia. I really appreciate your sound advice and wisdom on this. And thanks to the guys for commenting. Your blog is a great place to safely ask questions and have the opposite sex answer them! Questions that just don't always work for face-to-face. :D Thank you!

    3. Thank you! Its a mess out there, isnt it? Not that we have it all together, we do not, but its really not that complicated. I think we are scaring the young ladies & men half to death. We have gone to many, many functions with our daughters & at some, we can see the guys standing in one circle & the ladies on the opposite side of the room. Years ago, balls took place for socializing. The men went in hopes of meeting a young lady with hopes of marriage. Bible days, it was much simpler too.

      Girls are complex! Lol arent they? YIKES~ and the Lord gave us 5 with no men folk! Its crazy here! hahahaha...

      I so very much agree with what you say: "Thank you! Something that has really frustrated me is the fact that we teach ALL the time to our daughters about modesty, not flirting, etc.etc.etc. but we completely miss the guys!"

      Again, we only have daughters, but I see what you are talking about often. We had a young man friend of ours stay over the weekend & he said that exact same thing! Books, seminars & such are forever teaching the young ladies to be keepers at home, to which I totally agree, but the young men are left out. What is their position in all of this, are they training to be men by their fathers? We have stopped short I think. Although I have to say, we are running more & more into men, real men! So, some parents have done their duty by their sons, good to see. I so much agree! Preach it!

      Where does the Lord come in in all of this? If He brings 2 young people together & its obvious & sure it is from Him, examine it deeply, pray & go for it! Is He/She completely devoted to the cause of Christ, not in word, but in action? Do you have the same vision for your future, goals, family, ect.... good character ect.... then what else do you want?

      The Lord has brought us through thick & thin, we are late learners on everything. Its by His grace that any wisdom is shown. We know nothing. Im not trying to sound humble, I mean it. I think its important to have high standards but also be open to the Spirit.

      you have blessed me today! Thank you, blessings! Please chime in often, I love to hear other moms share, it helps me immensely. Your children are blessed to have you. God bless :)

      If you can think of any topics you would like to see here, I would love to have you guest post :) Let me know if you are interested. blessings.

    4. ooops, I should have added, if also there is an agreement on theology & such, things that will not cause friction on a marriage. Raising a family in like mindedness ect... then why not go for it, is what I meant.

  7. On a similar but different subject (and maybe it would be more appropriate for a new blog post) is if 2 people do court/date and realize that it won't work out can they still be friends at the same level they were before courting? I know ideally courtship should be done in such a way that both people are getting to know each other better with the purpose is determining whether they should get married. Each should have agreed upon boundaries during the courtship to help keep each other pure both emotionally and physically as much as possible for the other persons spouse (whether it is them or another person). I just know of people that have said that it is not possible to be just friends with a person after the relationship has moved past friendship. Is the previous statement true because most relationships are dating relationships where the boundaries are not set? OR is this something that is inevitable because of the emotional bond that is created during courtship and will always cause tension in a friendship afterward?

  8. Again, for me & my past, I would say, no. The feelings are there I believe. I could be wrong. You've given your heart, that's a lot to give. Just my point of view. Still, consummation has not occurred where you give yourself fully & become one though.

    1. by the way, Josh. Good idea for a blog post! Id be interested in what others have to say. I havnt any wisdom except my life experiences of my past, would be interesting to hear from someone who was brought up in a Christian home on these things. Thanks for the idea :)

    2. You're welcome. :) Most of the adults that I have asked about this have said the same thing but they said the they also had not been raised with the view of courtship the way that is discussed on this blog.

  9. Hey, to both of the Joshua's and Miss Patrizia. I just wanted to comment to say thank you for taking the time to give such long and interesting comments.
    It was facinating to hear a guys thoughts on these questions and this issue. In the blogging world I hear lots of christian young ladies and mothers opinion (which is great!),but rarely guys,so it was great to hear your opinions. =)

    Oh, and Miss Patrzia I would interested in that other post that sir Joshua suggested.

    Okay, kinda random and part of my other comment I guess.
    At our church the youth group there consists of mainly girls and only 3 guys (its pretty small group we do have 3 other guys one is my brother,but they are all like 15/14,so I guess I don't consider them guys yet. lol,cause there like my little brothers.). We will all play games together and have every now and then conversations on youth nights.
    One of the guys and I have similar interests, so we actually tend to have more one on one conversations sometimes. He is outgoing and I'm outgoing,but sometimes I'm a little nervous because he is the only guy I actually have conversations with and I don't want to give the wrong impression. Do you think I probably should keep my distance a little bit more?? Is it right to only really talk to only the one guy (in a conversation with only you two,I'm mean still in the circle with the others,but your the only ones in that conversation.) in a group because you two have things in common and similar hobbies that no one else has,but you just want to be friendsSo yeah, thats kinda where I was coming from at the end of my other comment (sorry,I can be 'very' random...).

    Again I found reading everyones comments interesting and helpful. =) I love posts like these that result in comment conversations.

    1. Hi Blythe! I like these discussions, especially when we have the guys involved. It helps me to understand my daughters better. My husband is a great help, however hearing it from a young mans perspective & those that have been brought up in a "christian" atmosphere, is very enlightening!

      Yes, Josh did come up with a good blog post for me :) looking forward to that discussion.

      Well, hmmm... I know you are 18, but still under your parents, what do they say? Have you talked to them about this? My girls & I talk about everything & I mean EVERYTHING! haha.. It helps & they are very comfortable. To me 14 & 15 these days is quite young for a guy, now Bible days.... different story. They were men.

      If it were my daughters I would tell them to back off. You are beautiful, Im sure they think so too, nothing wrong with that its natural. Or perhaps, say your "hellos" have chit-chat & move along to your friends, these guys are so young. I would also tell my girls to not give off any "cutie" vibes to these young men. Tossing the hair, body language, giving deep direct eye contact, touching them, or using any sort of manipulation in hopes of getting a compliment. Not saying you do that of course. Just what I would advise my girls. Being liked by a guy is phenomenal! So, yeah, we all like it.

      Its really ok, to have male "friends", but only on a surfacy level. If they were older & of age, I would say, be very careful & just limit it to the guy you are sweet on. Be careful not to convey the wrong message, these are hormonal, puberty stricken boys (my girls coined that one!) so funny! Reserve your friendliness for him only when its the right time.

      See, to be blunt, Id say be very careful. The young gentleman you speak of are in no position to marry. If they were older, different story, but 14-15?

      If you kept your distance, that would make him wonder. Like, "what did I do?" or maybe she is really, really sweet on me & is keeping her distance! Just be kind, smile, wave & look pretty :) Dont give him so much time unless you mean it.

      I feel like Dear Abby. :P Again, go to your parents. I have a 22 yr. old who still comes to us, more so than ever. Its a sweet relationship. We are very open. Again, there is also wisdom in a multitude of counselors.

      But ask yourself, you know the answer... Do you feel its right? Are you liking the attention? Do you like it when he flirts with you? Can it lead to more? Should it? Is it edifying? Is it God honoring? Not accusing you or he of anything, just putting it out there. No different than what I would ask my own daughters. Im pretty rough on them.
      If they were older, Id still be very careful in interaction, but keeping it open to a relationship.

      You are a blessing! Thanks for stopping in, good stuff right there :)

      Friends can become close friends, close friends can become lovers :)

  10. Hahaha, I know I almost didn't ask cause it felt like I was writing dear Abby. I was just curious about your opinion and I thank you for it. Parents are wonderful when you can come to them with anything, I'm sure your girls appreciate it. Lol in my family with so many kids its hard to get just you and my mom alone sometimes, but its always worth when you have that one on one talk. Look foreword to your posts. :)