Tuesday, November 26, 2013

"come to eHarmony & fall in love."

Ah, its been awhile :) Life this year has been very busy for us. Our house is still on the market & life is full of every day chaos & fun. The Lord is in control of these things & He knows what is best & what we need, yes? I am so very glad I can bank on that one. Its been the year of  "waiting", waiting on everything. We are definitely in a holding tank in many areas. Much has happened this year for us, many exciting things & many trials. Its been a growing experience for each & everyone of us, which of course is a good thing. We look forward to a new year & are excited to see what the Lord will do with us! All that to say, this is why I have been a bit slack  in my blogging. 

I decided to ask a question on FB pertaining to relationships & eHarmony to see what sort of response I would get & then asked if it would be alright to post the responses to my blog. Both ladies & gents responded. So, what do you think? Do you agree or disagree? 

MY STATUS: "Come to eharmony and fall in love." I heard this commercial several times on conservative radio today while driving. Is this the only way to find the love of your life these days? Do people not meet in normal every day circumstances anymore? (And please, if you met your spouse this way I'm just asking) FB is a place of misunderstandings as we all know. I met my husband in a gas station where I was working at the time, some how people found each other, even without the web (prehistoric - I know)  I'm an old woman learning new things  so tell me, do I need to get a life & get on with the times or perhaps just old fashioned? 

If you will allow me to, I will use your response on a blog post I'm working on!


*  I don't think we need the web, no, but at the same time, I think it can be a useful tool. You met your husband while you were at work, but 100 years ago, women didn't work, so you wouldn't have met him, yet it doesn't invalidate your experience. Timeschange, and with it, relationships and how people meet. As long as they can build a relationship based on the same principles that solid relationships have been built upon for years, (because I believe that does not change) then it doesn't matter how or where they meet.
That being said, be careful not to be pulled into thinking that online is the only way to meet. The old fashioned ways still work, it's just that now, we have more ways.

* It's one option among many. Who cares how you find each other as long as you do? One method over the other doesn't guarantee success or failure

* I think it's certainly more common now. It's getting difficult to meet people the old fashioned way. At least with online, everyone has the same purpose- to find someone. That said, I've never wanted to try online because I like natural chemistry better than forced evaluation. But I know many people who have had good experiences with online dating.

*   I cringe with online sites specifically for dating, such as eharmony. I'm really not into it. It whittles down down the pool of folks to just those signed up for e-harmony. I don't think the guy I'd be wanting for would be on there... in fact, I'm very sure he wouldn't be. I am in a very social environment and know many wonderful people, though... but with intentionality, others might be able to do the same. I must know 100 eligible, lovely Christian girls. I'm not sure where guys are looking if they are missing this. 
A conservative friend of mine signed up for eharmony for a short time. Although not on there anymore, this friend receives horrible e-mail, pretty much porn, it sounded like. That troubled me. ...but it wasn't the main reason I cringe when I hear about eharmony and such. 
I have another friend who met that way and she has been with the guy for around a year or better, so I guess that's working out. Others have done so, too. ...but if someone would be waiting for a "Marissa" they 'd have to meet me elsewhere. However, I'm not opposed to people recommending other people. I'm soooo not beyond giving friends nudges toward people I know. ....if that first contact is via fb or something, I don't have a problem with that. (Oops, did I exceed my fb word quota?)

*  I heard things about eharmony as well not being so good, but I have heard christian mingle.com yields better results. I have a friend who met someone on that site and they are seven months in on dating. They have been doing really well and they seem to be a very nice match. In today's society and geographically its harder to meet someone who shares faith and takes it seriously no matter where you are. I used to be afraid to go outside my borders but funny thing is, outside the borders is where the men have turned out to be. That makes sense too. We have so many states and areas separating us. 

______l and I met on a blind date. We know of a young sweet family who met online - he was from Europe and she is a sweet country and horses gal. They have such a lovely family (chime in on this feed if you recognize yourself  and it is the tool the Lord used - for them!

 I do want to add as well that if ladies are in hiding then its kinda hard for guys to find them. Also there may be guys out there that on the outside initially ladies won't look twice, but if they gave them a chance they could turn out to be a match. This applies to guys and girls. We need to give each other more of a chance than we do. Sometimes it's pickiness on both ends. My two cents.

 I have a friend who met  her hubby on eharmony...they now have 2 children and he is a youth pastor in his church...

* ^  Yeah it really does depend on who signs up. Sometimes you can have some really awesome guys and gals on there and like a lot of things there's always going to be bad apples.

 What fueled my desire to go online to meet a guy: 

1. I knew I wanted to get married.

2. there were no men locally of high quality

3. the young men I knew through homeschool circles were of high quality but none were my 'type', that is I didn't know any guys I would be compatible with.

I would've loved to meet a guy locally and have things happen more naturally, but that's not what God had in store. And there are pluses to meeting online- you start your relationship on the foundation of shared beliefs and goals (ultimately Christ), then proceed from there if there is truly something to build on. 
P.S. There are lots of sites to meet people- be choosey in where you go.

*   I don't know enough about all that but God can bring Mr. Right right to your door step..

^ It's true that God does bring people along for other people, but that statement a lot of young ladies take literally so we have to be careful with that. It's not like we're living in a community of like minded people living close together where there is constant interaction. Some places are like that but not the majority. I have seen ladies stay single and know some whose years are passing with little interaction with the outside world expecting God to literally drop their guy at the door through a sibling, a random stop by, or something. Honestly that is such a silly concept to me. God wants us to be out and about living life. Not just cooping ourselves up while praying for the right guy or girl. Do something! Live your life! Get out there! Meet people! Try new things and don't be afraid of the guys who actually do show interest. I've seen girls. And please stop criticizing men who are trying to do the right thing and go about it the right way. I hear too many ladies whom a guy has shown interest, turn around and accuse them of flirting. A guy talking to a girl or engaging a girl is not flirting. Make guy friends. Who knows? You may know someone another friend could meet! I feel we have made this more complicated than it needs to be. Guys and girls need to interact more on a real and genuine level. Sorry Patti, but this has been a subject of recent and these are my thoughts on it based on real life observations.

I was hoping you and ______, would chime in, _____
I am not sure if the conversation is just about eHarmony or dating sites in general. God is not limited to any method of bringing people together. All five of my married siblings met their spouses i
n very different ways. Two through the internet (but very different situations from each other) and one through good old fashioned matchmaking. 
A lot of people I have known have a very derogatory mindset toward matchmaking sites. One girl told my sister she felt like it was like giving up on God. Why? Is God limited to only a certain set of means to bring unions? Hardly. There is nothing unbiblical or even unwise in joining a matchmaking site if you so desire. 
 Oh, just because you are single and over the age of 25 doesn't mean you have to join one either. 

*  One in eight couples meet online now. I'm somewhat indifferent to eHarmony ... I would probably be disinclined to ever use it, but I do know godly couples who met through it. So I guess I would say that I see nothing fundamentally *wrong* with it, though as with all ways of pursuing a relationship, you have to be aware of its unique pitfalls and exercise discernment. 

I do wish it were easier for young people to meet other good marriage prospects in their local, in-person circles -- so many great homeschooled youth desire marriage very much but have so few options to choose from in their localities, for one reason or another. But in the absence of those in-person prospects, I view the internet as a unique -- though sometimes dangerous -- gift: God can work through it, and He does! In my case, I found that a long-distance relationship had its share of difficulties, but there were ways to overcome those difficulties -- and, we were both pleasantly surprised to find that there were some distinct advantages as well! When I had known guys in person, there were very physical laws of attraction at work that were distracting to me -- the way the guy looked, or (being perfectly honest), the way it felt to get physically close (in non-scandalous ways of course -- sitting together on a ski lift was about as far as it ever went in homeschooled circles, hehe). Those elements were NOT present when _____ and I were first getting to know each other, so I found it much easier to think and pray with a clear mind free of distractions. It wasn't about how handsome he was (though he *is* handsome  ), or how good it felt to hang out and do things together, or how exciting it was staaare into each other's eyes.  It was mainly just about who we were, what direction we were going in, and whether we'd be compatible life partners who could serve the Lord together. 

Now, one way in which our case differed from eHarmony was that we didn't *start out* with a relationship in mind -- we were simply friends. That took a lot of pressure off. The sort of inherent romantic charge that comes with eHarmony, where you're there specifically to look for a spouse, could potentially make clear thinking a little more complicated. But relationships are always full of complications and potential downfalls, so I don't know that they'd be much harder to navigate than the complications of a more "traditional" relationship. 

I think the bottom line is that there is no one specific perfect method for finding a spouse that will eliminate all potential for disappointment or hurt. Through all the many different circumstances in which people meet their lives' companions, the key is just to keep walking with God, listening for His direction, listening to wise counsel, and praying for Him to cover our feeble human efforts in His grace. 

 I was a hold out to try online sites for A LONG time. ( ________ comment kind of reminded me of some of the ideals I held to. ) I really, really wanted to meet my husband the old fashioned way. An for crying out loud my family traveled all over the country. I knew people everywhere. It wasn't like I was secluded. 

But as The Lord would lead I decided to give a small site Christian site called Reformed Singles a try and it turns out that that is the means The Lord used to bring my husband and me together. I personally avoided E Harmony because it seemed too big and daunting. Some of my best friends have met their husbands through e-Harmony though. 

God is not limited to one way of bringing people together. I love hearing "how I met my spouse" stories.  People need to keep an open mind and watch and see what God does. 

There is nothing wrong with meeting someone online, although it needs to be speedily followed with in person interaction. I know quite a few young, attractive ladies in this area, but either I don't care for their personal conduct, or their dad would never let me close due to belief differences. 
I think the best way to broaden your list of potentials these days is to travel to like minded churches, fellowship groups, special events, and keeping an eye open online. The highest quality girls I've found thus far have been online. It just is so easy to really dig your own grave with online communication. Thus the need for speedy, in person communication.

Okay, I think online dating sites are dumb, it is like classifieds for available people or something lol. I wouldn't do it, maybe I am a bit old fashioned myself, I like it that way  It isn't wrong per-se, but there are so many potential problems, like for example, you might "meet" through the site, but honestly until you actually meet the person you don't really know them. They could be a real rotten person putting on a good persona, you wont really know. Just my two cents.

 I think it's definitely where the trend is going these days.

The Lord works in mysterious ways!  I definitely wouldn't discredit online dating any more than I would regular dating...like anything else, the Lord never works inside our boxes!  At the moment I'm not actively trying to get into a relationship, so I'm not interested in online dating, but should the Lord give peace in that area I would have no problem at all with using that method.

 I'm not really a fan of online dating, because it doesn't take as much courage as a face-to-face meeting. It's so easy to send a text or FB message, but a lot harder (or at least I think it would be) to actually go up to the girl and ask her out. Is the current "method" (i.e. waiting for a guy to pursue/show interest in me) working? Not at the moment. Do I have any guys interested in me, or am I in a relationship (or do a see a relationship in the near future?  ? Nope. But that doesn't mean I'm going to freak out and go join eharmony ASAP.  While I don't want to necessarily rule online dating out totally, since I have no experience with it's pros or cons, I personally would not choose to find a future spouse on there, or would like a guy who is interested in me to contact me online (please come see me in person!  ). People got married way before internet was even invented, so internet is definitely not the only way you'll ever find someone.  Actually, it seems as if *more* people got out and got married before the internet was big, and now, in my age, it seems (at least in my circles), hardly anyone is in a relationship or getting married. I think a big majority of young people in this age lack maturity and courage in the area of relationships. Be bold, be courageous, and find your spouse offline. Annd, since I have zero experience with online dating, I don't in any way want to put anyone down who may use that method, successfully or not. Everyone has different thoughts/convictions/ etc, so what one person is opposed to may be okay for someone else. But for me personally, I hope I have a good old-fashioned courtship that starts offline. 

Why not? I've done it once, and no it didn't work out, but that's okay. It's simply another avenue to meet people. The real issue is how you approach the matter and what you do with it. People love to criticize online dating, but seriously think about how we operate now. Most people do an incredible amount of their work through the internet; it makes sense that it becomes a vehicle to meet others. I would agree with some that it may not be the ideal, but what it does represent is reality. The reality today is that many of us, particularly those who have moved frequently, don't have access to a supportive community that some do who have lived most of their life in one area. The issues can be numerous and it really depends on the person and his/her situation. 

What I strenuously oppose is the thought process of some who argue that online dating is somehow "not waiting on God" or in other ways belittle the process for those who are trying. Those people might rethink the matter. Given the divorce rate is high, the real issue appears to be not the method of getting married, but actually staying married in a functional marriage. 

_________, I disagree with your assertion that online dating doesn't take as much courage as in-person. It is different, but it does take courage. Think of it this way: if I ask a woman out on a date (in-person), it's likely that I've seen her at church or in another environment. In other words, I've been able to observe her and perhaps casually interact. Online dating almost necessitates showing your proverbial cards right up front before you've had those casual interactions. Now, I do agree that if you date online, you need to meet in-person asap, but both types of dating require "courage", just in different ways.

 I've found in my area that it is very hard to find good Christian men... There isn't a single Christian guy that goes to my church of 300 people.... Or the church of the same size that I went to before this one, so online dating is a way to meet some....

 excellent points!!! And so true. I definitely think it would take more guts to start an online relationship than one with someone you knew personally already. I hate the bad rap social media gets...the majority of my close and encouraging friendships have been formed through some form of social media.

It took a lot of courage for me to try an online site.

Okay, so you know I'd post right?  Because _______ and I met online I've received a lot of skepticism. Especially from patients who were elderly and considered it "new fangled". I think the biggest issue we have to ask ourselves is are you trying all the avenues? I didn't just join Soveriegn Grace Singles. I joined HSA (I think I've told you that I joined to find a husband  ) I went to all the balls and homeschool events possible. I went to the National Reunion, I went to political rallies and history conferences and church events. I did everything I could to make myself available. Because I was homeschooled, homechurched, and worked at a family owned business I knew a husband wasn't going to be delivered UPS. I could have just as easily met David at a church conference as I did online. But God chose to use SGS. 

I actually had a patient share their love story with me when I told them we met online... They had gone to highschool together, gotten married to other people had wonderful lives and were both widowed. A mutual friend gave him her address and said "write her!" he said he thought "I barely remember her and she definetly won't remember me!" But he wrote her and they started communicating, then they started talking on the phone, and one day he said "look I don't even remember what you look like we need to meet!" They did, and now they're married. An old fashioned long distance relationship. 

But I have way more friends that met in person than online. I think the most important thing is are you making yourself available to single men? Or are you putting your name online and walking away. The other issue I've found is that we women have a pride issue with getting on a singles site. When my dad first mentioned it to me I thought "I shouldn't NEED a singles site!" We need to make sure we're using ALL the avenues God has given to us. Lastly, I think there are several big benefits to meeting online, but this post is already dictionary size so I will close for now. I hope this made sense and helps a little.  Tell Michaela I still want to chat with her this week! 

* I'd say that online dating or courting *does* take a lot of courage, you are really putting yourself out there and taking a chance- which goes right along with what I learned by experience, meet face to face ASAP, there is a lot of truth to chemistry and attraction helping you find the right one. One relationship I was in might have ended after our first face to face meeting but my emotions were already tied up with him. But when meeting my now husband face to face I only became more convinced that he was the one

 Online or off, I still got 2 gals I am a tryin' to marry off!!

 I was actually on a Christian dating sight for a short while but I was not on their to find a wife (at least not consciously to the best of my knowledge). I was on their to make friends and be an encouragement/witness to the young ladies on their and Imade that clear in my profile (this was before I found out about HSA). I'm not explicitly against online dating but I've had a quasi-dating relationship or two online and that didn't work out well. Now finding out about a person online through a friend or even a site like HSA (which I view as a place to make friends not use as a dating site) can lead to a dating/courtship relationship. But I most definitely think it's best that dating/courtship be done offline and face to face!!

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