Monday, July 1, 2013

dude, where's your bride?

Another great article found on the web  :)


Dude, Where’s Your Bride?

As I speak at different venues across the country, one of the recurring questions I get comes from women, young women in particular. Their question usually goes something like this: “What is up with men?”
These aren't angry women. Their question is more plaintive than petulant. I’m not quite sure why they ask me. Maybe because they've read Just Do Something and figure I’ll be a sympathetic ear. Or maybe they think I can help. They often follow up their initial question by exhorting me, “Please speak to the men in our generation and tell them to be men.”
They’re talking about marriage. I have met scores of godly young women nearby and far away who wonder “Where have all the marriageable men gone?” More and more commentators–Christian or otherwise–are noticing a trend in young men; namely, that they don’t seem to be growing up. Recently, William Bennett’s CNN article “Why Men Are in Trouble” has garnered widespread attention. The point of the post is summarized in the final line: “It’s time for men to man up.” Sounds almost biblical (1 Corinthians 16:13).
Virtually every single single person I know wants to be married. And yet, it is taking couples longer and longer to get around to marriage. Education patterns have something to do with it. A bad economy doesn't help either. But there is something even more befuddling going on. Go to almost any church and you’ll meet mature, intelligent, attractive Christian women who want to get married and virtually no men to pursue them. These women are often in graduate programs and may have started a career already. But they aren't feminists. They are eager to embrace the roles of wife and mother. Most of the women I've met don’t object to the being a helpmate. There just doesn't seem to be a lot of mates to go around.

What’s going on here? Why are there so many unmarried, college graduated, serious-about-Christ, committed-to-the-church, put-together young women who haven’t found a groom, and don’t see any possibilities on the horizon?
Maybe women have impossible standards. That is a distinct possibility in some 
circumstances. I’m sure there are guys reading this thinking to themselves, “I've pursued these young women, Kevin! And they pushed me over the edge of the horizon.” Some women may be expecting too much from Mr. Right. But in my experience this is not the main problem. Impossible standards? Not usually. Some standards? Absolutely.
On the other end of the spectrum, some women may be so over-eager to be married they make guys nervous about showing any signs of interest. There is a fine line between anticipation and desperation. Men don’t want to spot the girl they like inside David’s Bridal after their first date. The guy will panic–and be a little creeped out.
This path of prolonged singleness is a two way street. But I think the problem largely resides with men. Or at least as a guy I can identify the problems of men more quickly. I see two issues.
First, the Christian men that are “good guys” could use a little–what’s the word I’m looking for–ambition. Every pastor has railed on video games at some point. But the problem is not really video games, it’s what gaming can (but doesn't always) represent. It’s the picture of a 20 something or 30 something guy who doesn't seem to want anything out of life. He may or may not have a job. He may or may not live with his parents. Those things are sometimes out of our control. There’s a difference between a down-on-his-luck fella charging hard to make something out of himself and a guy who seems content to watch movies, make enough to eat frozen pizzas in a one room apartment, play Madden, watch football 12 hours on Saturday, show up at church for an hour on Sunday and then go home to watch more football.
Love Quotes, Love Quotes Graphics, Love Sayings, Facebook Quotes
I don’t think young women are expecting Mr. Right to be a corporate executive with two houses, three cars, and a personality like Dale Carnegie. They just want a guy with some substance. A guy with plans. A guy with some intellectual depth. A guy who can winsomely take initiative and lead a conversation. A guy with consistency. A guy who no longer works at his play and plays with his faith. A guy with a little desire to succeed in life. A guy they can imagine providing for a family, praying with the kids at bedtime, mowing the lawn on Saturday, and being eager to take everyone to church on Sunday. Where are the dudes that will grow into men?
The second issue is that we may simply not have enough men in the church. Maybe the biggest problem isn’t with nice Christian guys who lack ambition, maturity, and commitment. Maybe we have lots of these men in the church, but they’re all married and there aren’t enough of their brethren to go around. I don’t know which is the bigger problem, the lack of good men or the lack of men in general. It’s probably a combination of both. The church needs to train up the guys it has. And by “training” I don’t mean “clean ‘em up, plug ‘em in the singles ministry and start matching them up with a spouse.” I don’t believe most unmarried Christians are looking for a church community full of Yentas. But a church full of godly, involved, respectable, respected, grown up men? That’s a project worth undertaking.
So true : )
So, what can be done about the growing tribe of unmarried women? Four things come to mind.
Everyone, pray. Pray for a joyful accepting of God’s providential care, believing that godliness with contentment is great gain.  If you are single, pray more for the sort of spouse you should be than for the sort of spouse you want. Pray also for the married couples and families in your church. If you are married, pray for the single people in your church, for those never married and those divorced or widowed. All people everywhere, pray for ways to start serving the Lord now, no matter what stage of life you are in or wish you were in.
Women, don’t settle and don’t ever compromise on requiring solid Christian commitment in a husband, but make sure your list of non-negotiables doesn’t effectively exclude everyone outside of Mr. Darcy.
Churches, don’t make church one giant man cave or machismo, but think about whether your church has been unnecessarily emasculated. Do you challenge and exhort? Do you sing songs to Jesus that men can sing with a straight face? Does “fellowship” at your church always focus on activities men don’t typically excel at, like sitting around and talking about how you feel? Does your church specifically target the discipling of men–particularly young men in high school and college? Grab them young and get them growing up in their teens instead of their twenties.
Men, you don’t have to be rich and you don’t have to climb corporate ladders. You don’t have to fix cars and grow a beard. But it’s time to take a little initiative–in the church, with your career, and with women. Stop circling around and start going somewhere. It’s probably a good idea to be more like your grandpa and less like Captain Jack Sparrow. Even less like Peter Pan. Show some godly ambition. Take some risks. Stop looking for play dates and–unless God is calling you to greater service through singleness–start looking for a wife.


  1. Great post!! More men need to hear this message (I wish I had heard this and taken it to hear years ago)! There ARE too many "nice guys", I'll admit I've been that guy (Lord's changing that...slowly). I do think the church (and families) need to be more active in discipling the young men, pushing and encouraging them to be godly leaders! The men of the church and the fathers need to be teaching my example how to be Titus One men! My family has always been against the churches separating the children and teens from the parents into different classes church. How are the young men to learn from the older men if they are not around them?! Likewise with the women! We homeschoolers see fit to have our kids stay home and be taught by use in a group setting of all ages yet many are willing to have the church separate them from the parents and their siblings! I know there are not many family integrated churches around (my family hasn't found any in the area) but our family has at least said that we will keep the family together. I'm currently helping teach the junior high teens at church and it breaks my heart to see how little this young people know of discipline and the Bible (I realize that many of them come from families that are not Christian)! Okay, that was along rant that but my point is if we want to change this generation we need to change how we view families and the church...we need to get back to the Biblical family and Biblical church!! What can we young young men and women do NOW in the church that are looking for someone to marry? We can find older godly men and women to mentor us and be teach us be the spouses that we need to be and to prepare ourselves and like the article says PRAY for each other! If we do all we can do to prepare ourselves God will bring alone our "sole mate"! This will also be a good example to those younger than us. We that are mature should be teaching we do know to the younger like it says in Titus 2!!
    Okay...rant over (even though I could go on and on) :)

    1. All the above rant is to say that the church youth ministry is failing and churches teaching morals and the Bible to children more than the parents. Churches should be supporting and equipping the parents not doing their job for them. Sorry this is a bit off subject...I'll be quite now. :P

  2. Not a problem, Josh, you can comment as much as you like on here :) You are not off topic, its ok :) I agree with you, only the parents are making the church, school, govn ect by choice be their children s primary influence when they should be stepping up by using their God given authority through His Word to bring up their own children. We as a people have given everyone & everything around us the go ahead to raise our offspring. Although, I do agree with you, I still believe its up to the parent to parent, the responsibility falls on them, especially dad. God gave us His Word, really its all we need, it has all the answers. We are the church, the building is just a building. We are solely responsible for our own families. Its a mess out there & the churches are a mess too.

    And you can rant here! I just did! hahaha! See you guys soon btw :)

    1. Absolutely, the parents *should* be parenting (especially the fathers!) not the churches. The church is made up of families and the building is only the physical housing for it. God created both families and the church and one should not be without the other!

      We can't wait to see y'all! :D