how I know my wife married the "wrong" person

This particular article has been circulating FB & I thought it was worth the time to post it. Some good points made here. :) 

How I Know My Wife Married the "Wrong" Person

http://crossshapedstuff.com/2013/06/04/how-i-know-my-wife-married-the-wrong-person/

Today my wife Lindsay and I celebrate our two year anniversary. Two years ago, we tied the knot and took the plunge. Two years ago, the cutest girl in Indiana was taken off the market! Two years ago, we launched the beginning of the rest of our lives. Two years ago…

And after two years, there’s no hiding behind the dinner-and-a-movie façade of dating life any longer. I can’t buy enough flowers to conceal it. I can’t open enough doors. I can’t say enough “I love you’s.” She knows (and painfully, so do I) that she married the wrong person.

Allow me to humbly explain (before she reads this). For quite some time now, there has been a myth floating around our idealistic individualistic society. A myth that claims that marriage will only work when you find your “smoking-hot, high-class, filthy rich, love-at-first-sight, sexually compatible, accept-me-as-I-am, Titanic-Notebook-Sweet-Home-Alabama-Twilight-esque, soul mate.” 

Don’t believe me? Look at the message Hollywood communicates; look at the empirical evidence pointing to later and fewer marriages; research studies suggest this is a primary factor that holds men and women back from marital commitment – they just haven’t found their soul mate. They believe in their heart of hearts that their match-made-in-heaven is still out there, somewhere.

Much could be said about where this mindset came from, but let’s just leave it at this –Singles today (and most married couples too) are searching for super-spouses that simply don’t exist. People expect far too much from their spouse in all the wrong areas.

That’s why I know beyond doubt, at least by society’s standards, that Lindsay married the wrong person.  I’ll never be quite as smart as a New York Times Best Seller. I’ll never make a six digit paycheck. I’ll never electrify the bedroom in the way our pornographic media culture broadcasts as the norm. I’ll never understand her quite as well as we both wish I would. I’ll continue to make mistakes. I’ll get angry over silly stuff. I’ll forget to do the dishes. I’ll raise my voice when I shouldn’t. I’ll let pride get the best of me. And I’ll probably think of myself far more often than I should… Oh yeah, and my younger days as a part-time body-builder, part-time male-model, full-time Matthew McConaughey stunt double are over. I retired this January. (Are you drowning in my self-pity yet? I am.)  Look, I’m not an astrophysicist. I’m not a movie star. I’m not a billionaire. I’m just Tyler. And Tyler does not meet the standards of the Real Housewives of Louisville.

So what then is the solution? What do you do when you find yourself in a relationship with the “wrong person?” Well here are a few things you could try:

(1) Every time your significant other falls short, find another. On to the next one. Then when they fall short, and they will, do it again. And again. And then again. Forgiveness is futile. Reconciliation, pointless. If they were your soul mate they’d never make those kind of mistakes. If they really loved you, they would’ve thought before they acted. Of course, there will be significant emotional baggage to carry with each new sexual partner. Or there will be financial fallout from dividing your wealth over and over. Or your kids may grow up with a distorted view of parenting or marriage. But sooner or later you’re bound to find Mr. or Mrs. Right, right? And they’ll be perfect, right?

(2) Try it before you buy it. Test drive it. See if the chemistry is there and the sparks fly. Cohabitate. Allow someone into your life at the highest degree of vulnerability, and give them this priceless delicate gift without asking them to commit to you past tomorrow morning. Maybe in the process you’ll find your soul mate. Let’s just hope they agree.

(3) Avoid it all. Make it girls’ night out every weekend. Feed your appetite for sex when it’s hungry, for community with drinking buddies, but don’t let anyone too close. Marriage is old news anyways. Commitment is so Generation X. No strings attached. Lock your heart up in an “iron-clad dungeon” where no one can reach it, and allow it to grow “motionless, unbreakable, and impenetrable.” Then no one will ever break it… or capture it.

(4) Or, whether you buy the biblical view of marriage or not, realize that love takes hard work. And that, as long as you limit the field to human beings, you’ll never marry the “right person.” Because there are no 100% “right people.” Sin’s presence in the world guarantees it. There are only wrong people who pretend to be right and wrong people who are becoming right, through Jesus. That’s why I like the biblical image of marriage. The fairy-tale image of two soul mates finding love at last is just that, a fairy tale. But the biblical image of marriage provides something so much more beautifully realistic.

It paints a portrait of two sinners, committing to the task of one another, for the sake of one another, until death do them part. It’s two imperfect people, committing to the sanctifying work of expressing Jesus’ self-sacrificial love, to their lover, so that they might see him or her become the person God has always intended them to be, knowing full well that neither of them have yet to reach this goal.

When you both commit to this, not only will you experience the perks of marital intimacy like you never could imagine, but you both will change. You both will become more forgiving, more sensitive, more loving, and more truthful, together.

Or even if just one of you commits to this, I think you’ll be surprised how much, still, youboth will change. Your forgiveness, your sensitivity, your love, and your truthfulness will enable and compel your spouse to show the same kind of transforming character back. And what could be more satisfying than that?

Not much. Trust me. I know. Because I’ve been married, two years now, to a girl who has relentlessly committed to this task with me. And because of that, I’m a better person. And so is she, I think. Love you Lindsay. Here’s to fifty more. Can’t wait to see the person God is making you to be. And can’t believe I get the honor of being a part of it.

*** How I Know My Wife Married the Wrong Person (Part 2) ***

Sin’s presence in the world guarantees that we all marry an imperfect person. It just is what it is. Take it up with Adam and Eve. And when we discover this painful reality, different people react in different ways, some more destructive than others. In fact, I listed four of the most popular ways I’ve noticed in the last post (for the record, #5 was “Binge on Cookie Dough” – but that didn’t make the cut).

So let’s talk through the first one today:

So what then is the solution? What do you do when you find yourself in a relationship with the “wrong person?” Well here are a few things you could try:

(1) Every time your significant other falls short, find another. On to the next one. Then when they fall short, and they will, do it again. And again. And then again. Forgiveness is futile. Reconciliation, pointless. If they were your soul mate they’d never make those kind of mistakes. If they really loved you, they would’ve thought before they acted. Of course, there will be significant emotional baggage to carry with each new sexual partner. Or there will be financial fallout from dividing your wealth over and over. Or your kids may grow up with a distorted view of parenting or marriage. But sooner or later you’re bound to find Mr. or Mrs. Right, right? And they’ll be perfect, right?

Fact is, marriage is dangerous for you. Proceed with caution. Count the cost. Because when you step into it, you agree to broadcast the deepest darkest corners of your life to the same person, every day, all the time, uncensored, no make-up, all sweatpants, up close and personal. (Unless you’re just really good at hiding the truth… which most people call dishonesty… and many think to be the root of almost all relational problems. But I digress…)

So when you shack up with your spouse, don’t say I didn’t warn you. Just give it time. It won’t be long. No matter how sweaty they make your palms, even if they Facetime you every night, even if they write sonnets on your Facebook wall, even if those sonnets rhyme, even if they’ve never had a recorded instance of morning breathe or bad hair, and even if, I know this is hard to believe, but even if they play the acoustic guitar, just stick around… you’ll find out! They have flaws. Plural. It might not be their hair or breathe, but it’s something.

Look, as long as you limit the field to humans, you’ll never marry the “right person.” Because there are no 100% “right persons.” Sin’s presence in the world guarantees it. There are only wrong people who pretend to be right and wrong people who are becoming right, through Jesus. And no matter which of the two you are, they’re still both wrong.

Now for many of us, when we discover how wrong our significant other can be, our first reaction is to run. When we can’t shake their secret, or feel the grind of their annoying habits, or live through some sort of betrayal or conflict, our first thought is “Abandon ship! Save yourself! Get out while you still can! Ain’t nobody got time for that!” And we walk. Usually way to early.

Maybe our vows should’ve been “till we do us part” instead of “till death do us part.” Less romantic, but at least it’s honest.

Now I’m not saying that there aren’t some situations that necessitate separation (as many of you have pointed out), but what I am saying is that too many of us opt for the easy way out far too early, and far too often.

And why you ask? Because 99% of the time, the marriage was never about “us” to begin with. It was about “me.” It was never about committing to the task of one another, for the sake of one another. It was about you committing to the task of “me”, for the sake of “me.”

Sorry, I know. Hard words to swallow. I’ll get some hate mail for that last statement. I’m cool with it though. And I bet if you think back to your last fight, “me” was at the root of it.

In short, what we’re doing with marriage is the same thing our culture is doing with just about everything else, individualizing it. We’ve privatized marriage and redefined its purpose as self-gratification. We think: “Marriage is about my happiness.” “Marriage lasts as long as it fulfills my expectations.” “I’ll work on this as long as it still benefits me.” And this is why I believe we see so many relational splits. Because “I’m for me.” And the tension just mounts and mounts and mounts.

And then all the sudden “Our marriage conflicts with my career.” Or “My money is mymoney.” Or “Your body doesn’t meet my expectations.” Or “Our marriage just can’t meetmy needs.” And curtains. Exit stage left. Game over.

So what do we do about this raging sense of “me?” Well if you don’t mind it, then nothing. And that’s fine. I can’t make you. And I still love you. But if you’ve felt or seen or fear the pains of relational split, might I suggest a biblical perspective on marriage, which paints something so much more beautifully realistic?

It paints a portrait of two sinners, committing to the task of one another, for the sake of one another, until death do them part. It’s two imperfect people, committing to the sanctifying work of expressing Jesus’ self-sacrificial love, to their lover, so that they might see him or her become the person God has always intended them to be, knowing full well that neither of them have yet to reach this goal, nor will they this side of eternity.

With this mindset, forgiveness isn’t futile, it’s first. Reconciliation isn’t pointless, it’s daily. And sin isn’t a denial of their love for you, it’s an opportunity for you to show your love for them. This mindset doesn’t ask you to settle, it asks you to sacrifice. Because that’s what cross-shaped people do.

This may not be the only way, but I believe it’s the best way. And the cross-shaped way.

And for those of you dating, you’re not off the hook here. Because, even before you’ve tied the knot, this approach to marriage forces you to start the process (yes, right now) of becoming the kind of guy or girl the person you want to marry would actually want to marry. The kind of person that will love their spouse like Jesus loves them.

*** How I Know My Wife Married the Wrong Person (Part 3) ***

Tim Keller writes, “Marriage is glorious, but hard. It’s a burning joy and strength, and yet it is also blood, sweat, and tears, humbling defeats and exhausting victories.” In other words, a strong marriage takes hard work because people can be a piece of work. Even occasionally your spouse.

In response to discovering this painful reality, whether it be in marital or dating relationships, people react differently. I listed four of the more popular responses in the original post. Let’s talk through #2 today:

So what then is the solution? What do you do when you find yourself in a relationship with the “wrong person?” Well here are a few things you could try:

(2) Try it before you buy it. Test drive it. See if the chemistry is there and the sparks fly. Cohabitate. Allow someone into your life at the highest degree of vulnerability, and give them this priceless delicate gift without asking them to commit to you past tomorrow morning. Maybe in the process you’ll find your soul mate. Let’s just hope they agree.

Being a young adult who is also a minister, I often find myself ministering to young adults. And when the conversation turns to marriage, anymore I notice a certain degree of hesitation. It’s like they see marriage as a life-sentence, the proverbial ball and chain. It’s not that they don’t like the idea of married life, it just seems that most marriages are failing.

So they wonder: “Is he the one or isn’t he?” “Tyler, how did you know?” “Will she still be hot in twenty years?” Seriously, I’ve heard that. And honestly, I sort of sympathize with these fears. The divorce rate has doubled in the past fifty years, proving that commitment is as out as mom-jeans.

What’s happening to marriage? Could it be that we’ve lost sight of what it should look like? Has our raging sense of "me” blotted out the essential priority of 'us” every marriage needs to thrive?

Maybe. Whatever the cause, half of couples today are opting to shack up with a sexual partner first. They cohabitate, the “try it before you buy it” approach. That way they can test their chemistry and free-up time to establish their careers and finances. Because, you know, other people, like babies and spouses, get in the way.

Cohabitation offers a plan before the plunge. But fact is, cohabiting couples rarely work like this. And even if they did, I still think there’s a better way.

(1) First, most people don’t end up under the same roof on purpose. They “slide into” not “decide into” cohabitation. It starts with a few dates, then a sleep-over on the couch, then a weekend rendezvous, and before they know it, they’ve got one lease, two dogs, and a new bedroom-set from Target.

No plan. Few conversations. Just a slide. (This isn’t the rule, but it seems to be the norm. Smart people agree.

(2) Second, since neither are mind-readers, both usually have a distorted understanding of why the other is sharing their bed. All they know is what they want and what they hope their partner wants.

So while one may see it as a step toward marriage, the other sees it as a clever way to postpone it. One may see it as commitment, while the other sees it as convenience. And both are always shocked, usually downright ticked, when they find out that the other hasn’t shared their expectations all along. In short, the two have built a relationship founded on ambiguity rather than honesty. And that’s no recipe for success.

(3) Third, the breakup usually hurts. Sliding into cohabitation is a big deal because sliding out of it is a big deal. Cohabiting advertises the option of an easy way out when things get dicey, but usually taken for granted are the deep financial and sexual ties both parties have formed by this point. Property and pets are divvied out through anger and tears, and sexual experiences become permanent baggage.

So again, might I suggest to you that the biblical image of marriage paints a picture of something much more beautiful? It paints a picture of predictable love in an unpredictable world, of unchanging dedication between changing people. Christian or not, the approach is profound!

Plain and simple, God’s view of marriage puts commitment first. And not just any commitment, but the self-sacrificial kind. Marriage is two sinners, committing to the task of one another, for the sake of one another, until death do them part. Marriage is two imperfect people, committing to the sanctifying work of expressing Jesus’ self-sacrificial love, to their lover, so that they might see him or her become the person God has always intended them to be, knowing full well that neither of them have reached this goal.

That is realistic cross-shaped commitment. And when this commitment comes first, what is there to fear? Two people can become one emotionally, socially, financially, legally, even sexually, knowing their vulnerability won’t be abused or abandoned.

Cross-shaped commitment makes marriage work. Not chemistry. In fact, cross-shaped commitment is chemistry. There is no greater proof of love than to commit your life to and for someone else.

THAT’S HOW YOU KNOW, people! When you find someone ready to share that with you! That’s how you know he’s the one! That’s how you know you need to put a ring on it! Or at least that’s how I knew. And that’s exactly how I know my Lindsay will be as beautiful as ever to me in twenty years. And vice-versa. No sexual experience, no amount of time under the same roof speaks a better word than this. That’s why, from the biblical perspective, sex is not a test for marriage, it’s a part of marriage. Intimacy isn’t something you just have, it’s something you build. A lot of you will consider that as dangerous or foolish. Some of you will even suggest I’m asking you to settle. But that couldn’t be further from the truth. It isn’t settling, it’s sacrificing, just like Jesus did.

Let the cross be the point of reference for your marriage. Let it be the place from which all your victories flow and the place before which all your struggles fall.