Wednesday, February 13, 2013

single by choice

Valentines Day. . .not something I give much thought to, but it is thought of as a day to celebrate love. Those that have a love interest look forward to this day. The candy, flowers perhaps, maybe a romantic dinner with a ring and proposal. It does happen. :) It's really beautiful! But. What about those who do not have anyone? After all this day is forced upon us everywhere. The Internet, stores, radio, advertisements. . .really, you can't hide from it. It's there. EVERY WHERE.

As much as many look forward to this day, many would rather hide in a cave some where. . How about S.A.D for "those lonely souls"who have no one in their lives at the moment? S.A.D. = Singles Awareness Day. Ha! Who came up with this one? Its funny, I kinda like this acronym, I'll admit; cute.  Nothing wrong with singleness, actually I have a heart for singles & I think too many of us are way too hard on them as if they had some sort of disease that needs to be cured by everyone who crosses their path. "oh, your single?" hmmmmm.... he must  be lonely, she must be picky, we have to find him someone!!!! Please stop rescuing the singles! Not all singles are miserable btw. Some actually want to be, some even believe its a calling. Whatever it is, treat them like normal human beings, that's what they are. There is nothing wrong with them  they do not need your help. :)  I guess this post is just a mix of all sorts of thoughts going through my mind. Singleness, pursuing, ladies, gents ect.... just random thoughts all wrapped up into one post. 

Ok, so this takes me back to what I came to write about today. I've brought this up before on my old blog & I've brought it up about a year ago on FB.... but, why are there so many singles? What is going on? I'm ashamed to admit that this is an epidemic in Christian circles, I just don't get it. 

We have mauled over this a million times in our home, hashed it out, dissected it every which way only to find that we get the same answers from the singles we know. Again, not putting all the singles in the same pot. When I ask singles why they are single (not that their is anything wrong with being single, but so many????) the response I always get & my observations are always the same. 

1. There is no one out there.
2. I cant afford a wife or a family.
3. Conservative girls are too picky, standards are too high. 

hmmmm.... really? All the complaining that goes on  just about these 3 astounds me. Are you sure this  is why you choose singleness? 

* There is no one out there:
I know plenty of young, beautiful ladies, inside & out. There are a ton out there.

*I cant afford a wife or family:
 A wife is not property, the Lord will provide. Bad excuse.

*Conservative girls are too picky, standards are too high:
This can go both ways. Maybe you are being picky too? Could be!

*Standards are too high: 
Then you have found a ruby! Why would you want a girl who has low standards? I'm confused by this. 

Being single is a calling from the Lord. Marriage is His will, the proof is in the garden! :) Man was made by Him first, but God gave Adam a woman. He knew Adam would be pleased (how could he not be?) There are some great women out there... look around! And not so great, but you're not looking for those. haha...

What are you afraid of? Why are the men not moving? Why not take a chance? Now that I think about it, the men we know or have come across have admitted to having a fear of rejection, especially from a Christian girl whom they admire greatly . I can only imagine how difficult this must be, you are validated, but its your job. You want the girl, you take the risk. Go for it!

I have also heard that men want to know if the girl is interested before pursuing. Ok, Ill give you that! I think that's fine, but not to a degree that a man ought to show a lady. I don't believe pursuing a man is a girls job, although indicators from the girl certainly help. I also know God has a way of letting both know that the other is interested when they are around one another, its a mutual understanding, He puts that in us. A lady coming on strong & chasing her prey can be dangerous, I've seen this over & over especially on online networks. Girls chasing men is very unbecoming & of low standard. It goes on a lot. Its easy to do this behind a screen. Its a cheap shot & loose & shows desperation. I think a girl can go overboard to the point where she switches roles & refuses to  wait on a guy to pursue her.  Its a mans job to pursue. Its not always easy for  girls to show  interest ~ difficult for some, easy for others. I think also personality has a lot to do with this. If the girl is out going she may hint around, she will reciprocate somehow & a young man will know. Hints can be subtle, but if you look closely & listen carefully, those hints  will stand out.  If it isnt so clear, its the mans job to find out some how.  If  he wants the girl he needs to move on it. Go for it or someone else will come along & you may miss out on the girl. 

Ladies, calm yourselves. Give the guy a break, if he likes you he will show you. Where is God in the picture? I believe it is healthy for guys & girls to relate & have friendships, nothing wrong with that, we actually encourage it, but not to the the extent of the girl pursuing & or using manipulation to get the guy. Just be you, he will fall for you, the real you.  :) Guys are geared that way, God made sure of it. It's cheap for a girl to chase after a guy...well you can chase a guy, but not a gentleman. There is a difference.  

A site like FB makes it way too easy to line up all the gals like cattle & compare them to every other girl. A site like FB makes it much too easy to flirt with whomever one wants & with as many people you like. I see this in girls (& guys) & its done shamelessly. Girls have become pushy, while the guys sit back. I've seen girls become the initiators.  I really do not like these sites for that reason. It discourages men to get to know the girl on a personal level, because its too easy to just see whats before them & not whats in the heart. Do your homework, search her heart, get to know her, a girl or guy can be anyone they want to be online. Make sure you are not falling for an image. Whatever happened to good old fashioned letter writing? Its not what you see on the outside (photos & such)  its whats inside that counts. Online images are just that. Leave the profile picture where its at :) 

I don't want to come across like I'm putting all the blame on the men here. Women have their issues. It is your job to take control though. Do you want a trophy or a partner for life who will stand by you through whatever God has for you? I think Christian singles are not getting married because they have lost the vision for Gods perfect plan for men & women. Relationships have become flirting with every & any random guy/girl  without commitment. Sad. 

I don't believe for a minute that their aren't any women out there or men. I know that there are Godly women out there if that's what you choose for your life. Plenty of silly ones too, but many, many nice ladies to pray about. Leave the silly ones where there at, plenty of those out there too. 

We (Christians too) have adopted the European mentality of living together without commitment. Wasting time on pleasures of this world & wanting to live it up before committing is self centered. "I want to travel before I commit." Nothing wrong with traveling of course, just using it as an example. If we did everything we wanted to do before jumping on the marriage wagon, no one would be married. And I think that's whats going on.  Instead use this time of singleness & youth to seek Gods will for your life, seek His face & work for Him! Search Him! Make sure its singleness you are called to. If not, seek that girl out. Shes out there somewhere, waiting & hoping. 

Disclaimer: not all single young ladies are perfect & maybe not even worthy of your affections, not every girl that is waiting is the one, I get that, but someone out there is & they are not hard to find. They are not too expensive ect..... Look beyond that. 

Singleness by choice will kill Gods plan for family. Its a dangerous movement. 

Maybe you don't agree with me, if you don't  please let me know. Id really like to what you have to say :)  Its a frequent topic in our home & a great concern as I watch so many young people around me make the single's choice. We know so many ladies in there 30's who are waiting still. Mind you, I say choice, that's what it is unless you are truly called to be single, but I don't believe that all the many singles I know are called to be. 

Ladies, from my heart to yours. I'm not going to be easy on you, you play your part well when it comes to men. Be real, don't manipulate. This isn't all about the guy being at fault, examine your hearts also. What can be changed, repented from? Don't think you're so special as you sit & wait that every man ought to fall for you, we all have sin. If you follow Christ & you are a ruby, He will take care of you whether you are single or married. Don't lower your standards as some guys complain about, keep them high. Its sad to think that men who claim to be Christian & brought up in decent homes scream legalism or shout "in the box". If a man comes to you to win your heart its because he sees beyond your beauty, that's the kind of man you want in your life. If  he loves God more than He can love you, you have hit the jack pot! Just wait, trust that He will provide. No matter His plan for you, He wins in the end. He always wins. 

One last thing, to the ladies again: What is this, "waiting for Mr. Darcy" business? He's not real, to expect a man to be him can be quite intimidating to a real man. Anyway, do tell me what is so great about him? I dont get this one. I see it all over Blogger & all over Pinterest, "waiting for Mr. Darcy." -perplexed-   What a turn off to the men out there, they will keep you waiting. Wait upon the Lord & be realistic & live a life of reality. Also, be sincere. A girl can play with a guys heart just as much as he can play with yours, protect your heart. 

Be God focused, be of good courage. Don't worry so much about this subject & how dissatisfied you are about where God has you right now. He knows what He is doing. Trust Him. I may not be the best parent in the world, but one thing we did right was never to put our daughters in a fairy tale. Reality is what it is. They are not bothered by Valentines Day, they are happily single. They want to be where God wants them to be. Its not an idol in their lives. Focus on Christ first. Just make sure you are single by Gods standards not by choice for whatever reasons you came up with. Whatever choice you make whether to marry or be single, make sure it is of God. 

"You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams." -Dr. Seuss

Blessings my friend ~


  1. Excellent article Miss Patrizia! I have been studying this subject recently myself and it has really been a challenge to me to see all the responsibility that men have to face (more so that I had pictured from what my parents had said). I thought the point you said were right on and well balanced. One reason that I know for the longest time I had for being single was because most of the girls I knew of had too low of standards.

  2. Wow Josh, thank you for responding :) I find it so very interesting that you say, " One reason that I know for the longest time I had for being single was because most of the girls I knew of had too low of standards." That is refreshing, I have never heard that, I mostly hear the opposite. You will bless someone some day, keep it up & look for Gods best for you. (tell mom hi!!!)

  3. Great post! This is one of the most popular subjects to discuss in our household. =)
    I struggle with wondering where the good guys are. I know that if God wants me to be married He will bring the right guy along, but in the mean time, it is hard to not wonder where all of the godly guys are. I have friends who are all very sweet, mature and desiring to be married. Almost all of them are getting into their mid-twenties and there isn't a single guy, not a one, that I know of that would be interested in getting to know them. Why is that? Our church is very small, and there have been a few weddings, but there has not been a single wedding among two young people who attend our church together. I'm very curious what guys are looking for. None of the girls I know are unattractive, all have high standards ( but aren't stuck up at all), sweet, mature, etc. But they are all getting older and have zero prospects in mind. I'd love to hear from guys about what they consider important. Sure, none of these girls are "out" a lot, most are still at home, but why is it so hard for them to find godly guys? If you're a guy reading this ( or a girl who has a brother who talks to you about this), please weigh in. What are important traits to you in a partner?
    Maybe, like you said, marriage just isn't viewed as important anymore, even by Christians. A very interesting thought and something I could discuss for quite some time. =)

    1. Samantha, my heart goes out, I just dont get this. Im confused, we are Christians, all of us talk the talk, but not fulfilling Gods plan. Its heart breaking really. I hear your hearts cry, Im right there with you. I think we ought to pray for these things, we need to pray for the young people out there who have lost the vision. I dont know what guys are looking for, I wish I had an answer for that. I believe though with my whole heart there are men of God out there with goals & a godly perspective on life & Biblical values. I am trusting Christ for this for all 5 of our girls. Keeping in mind that we are not looking for perfection, because we are all so imperfect. Sounds like you are talking about the same ladies I notice too. They are over looked. Some ladies have so much to give, but no one to give it to.

      For us, it was important to get our girls "out there." They move around & get around, not looking for a spouse of course, but we never kept them away from the opposite sex. We encourage them to be friendly appropriately to be able to distinguish between good character & bad. Its important that they are able to evaluate any circumstance, as they too should be evaluated by men. They too are on the spot. Its good to be transparent. I have to believe there are good guys out there. I wont be lied to by the enemy who wants us to believe that our daughters & anyone else s for that matter have no hope. For sure its tougher today, no doubt, too much temptation out there & not enough exercising self control.

      I too would love to hear from the men! My girls are fortunate enough to have plenty of male friends & they & we talk about this with them. Its so refreshing hearing it from a mans perspective. They too seem lost. +shrug+ Thats what concerns me. If you are a follower of Christ, be an ambassador for him, be a man of valor ect.... Oh, I can go on & on....

      Its a scary thought to think young men & ladies are not getting married these days. When my girls were little it seemed like home schoolers were getting married at 18 or 19, now its 30's ~ what next?

      If the right one comes along, dont wait for "what ifs", go for it! Run with it & dont look back. Youve found her, get married. :)

  4. Very well said. Very much appreciated!

    1. Yay! Thats great! I dont meet too many Christian men who agree, that is refreshing :)

  5. Patrizia, I was blessed by this post! I agree with you about the standards thing. I have been told by Christian guys that my standards are too high and if I'm ever gonna marry I need to lower them. This has always struck me as confusing and shocking! I have met guys with high standards that match mine, but then they show little to no interest at all and wait for someone else to come along who is their model of a perfect wife. I don't get it. I pray alot about this because God knows how faithful and obedient I have been to Him for years now. Not that He owes me anything or that I should feel obligated, but you just start to think what are guys looking for in girls these days and where are the godly guys with the high standards that aren't so high that they don't pick anyone. Anyway, thanks for the post!

  6. Oh Rebekah, bless your heart. This is why I have this blog, its for ladies like you who want to please the Lord & live for Him in this very anti anything good world we live in. You are beautiful, I'm so glad I know you. If you only knew how much my girls have been made fun of for having any standards at all & all by "Christians" We have lost friends because of it & the teasing is relentless. We are not perfect by any stretch of the imagination & we do not believe we have arrived, Im not sure where thats coming from. I do believe the Christians of today serve 2 masters & have left their first love, Christ. They have bought into the idea that you can dabble in anything as long as you keep it in check. We are a desperately watered down generation of Christians.

    PERSEVERE! Keep moving, Rebekah, thats what I tell my girls. Press on, move forward. The enemy likes to lie to us, especially women. We are made precious in His sight, you are beautiful, some young man one day will sweep you away. I believe there are good men out there, I know there are! We have been praying for God to remove us from circles that are unedifying & little by little He is opening up doors & bringing new people into our lives & our daughters are in new circles now. Hang tight sweet girl! Thank you for encouraging me today! Blessings

  7. Hello. I am the mother of four daughters and three sons. We talk about this subject often at our family "alter" (the dinner table). My husband and I both believe that one of the main problems lies in the fact that fathers are not doing their job in training up their sons. Most of the "training work" is lift up to mother because the fathers are being (unfortunately) just too lazy to do what they are called to do by the LORD. It would do wonders if the Christian fathers of this generation would just plain and simple do their job-- Train and require something of themselves and their sons. We have many godly young women that we know... but the men need to rise up!! Interestingly, in the old Jewish culture, the older men would basically "tease" and humilate the younger men if they got to a certain age and were not married. It really was considered unacceptable. So basically... I am saying, Dad's... do your job and train up your sons!

  8. oh, how refreshing to hear from a mom! Thank you so much for the encouraging words, sometimes I just think we are crazy! You have said a mouthful & I agree :) It really does come down to the fathers, doesnt it? I do not have sons & I cannot imagine the hard task of having to bring up any in this day & age. I do know its possible though. We have many young men in our lives & love them all, most seem to have come from good homes & fathers that have taught them well. However, the home schooling realm is especially problematic on this issue. Times have changed since our 2 oldest have grown. When they were very young it seemed that parents took their job a bit more seriously. Not sure if its because we were in different circles & it just seemed that way or just the fact that the girls were so young it didnt affect us the way it does today, but we see a huge change full circle.

    I dont want to come across like we have it all together, because we do not. Far from it.

    So interesting about eh Jewish culture.....

    So, why do you think the men wont rise up? What is going on?

    thank you, thank you! You are a breath of fresh air & the Lord used you in my life today! Blessings