Friday, February 15, 2013

boyfriends vs. boy friends

I have daughters, so my blog will have a lot of  "girl stuff" on it :) What can I say??? Its all I know :)  Sometimes it will be sappy when you visit here. No boys allowed! Nah, anyone is welcome :) We have been the kind of parents who believe that its ok to have guy friends within limits. I know of families who do not approve of this, but its been a good experience for us. It started years ago.... If you conduct yourself well & guard yourself, I think friendships between the opposite sex can be an encouragment. Guys have a lot of good to say, but its a good thing  to keep your girl friends closer, I think. Decent girl friends, without the drama.

Years ago we were involved in a home church made up of families.  Our girls were young, but we knew the time was coming some day that they would grow up & we would be facing many situations ourselves. Decisions, decisions.....

I specifically remember one Sunday after we had fellowship time observing a family who had a daughter who was around 17 yrs old.   Each time a young man or even a dad  would speak to her, she would sort of crouch & not look at him. This bothered me greatly. She seemed somewhat frightened, couldn't look at any boy/man in the eyes & just smile or have a short conversation. Somehow, she was taught that it is wrong to speak to the "other" gender. She was a lovely young lady & very sweet & had a beautiful countenance. We also knew she came from a very good family, good morals & love the Lord ect..... Dave agreed with me that we would make sure this would never be with our daughters. They will  & should be able to talk to a male & do so confidently. So, I guess you could say that day was an eye opener for us, I'm so very glad the Lord showed us that early on.

Years later we listened to a teaching that had to do with guy & girl relationships & friendships & the only thing that seems to have stuck in my mind was, "make sure you allow your daughters to be around the opposite sex, if you don't they will fall for the first guy that comes their way." hmmmmm...... we didn't like this so much :) REALLY? It was a scary thought! He also said, "they have to be able to distinguish between bad character & good character, if they don't have these opportunities, how will they ever be able to discern good from bad?" sheesh, talk about pressure! Here we are with 5 daughters, now what? Well, how do they have male friends without coming across as if they have romance in mind? Is it possible to just be friends? All these questions & so much to face.

Well, the years went by & they grew up, little by little they were exposed to social settings where young men frequented. We made sure they did attend certain gatherings so they could become great communicators & have a level of comfort in this sort of setting.  A great experience for sure! Fortunately this worked &  they are able to communicate without giving the appearance that they are scared to death just because a guy spoke with them. We see this so much where a girl is not able to get passed that. Communicate by looking at them in the eyes & relating, but being the lady God wants them to be. Not every friendship has a romantic ending btw. Our girls are able to be friends with guys; they have many. Always guarding their hearts, but enjoying these friendships, taking care of their male friends heart as well. Their male counterparts have so much to offer & at times much more sensible than a drama queen girl friend. It works for our family :) Actually, they enjoy being around their male friends better being that their is less drama & they seem to be true blue & treat our daughters with respect. Still, keeping male friends at a distance & girl friends closer.

Perhaps if a young lady would not think of every man who speaks to her as a potential it may relieve some of the tension. Within home school circles, girls are taught to be scared to death of men. Some are not & go over board & like my last post explained pursue the young man very strongly in hopes of more. Not every guy who talks to you has hearts in his eyes, not even fire works appear, don't flatter yourself. I believe when a young lady has the romantic mind set that they cant even talk to a guy because he has gone out of his way to say, "hi" could be foolishness on the girls part. If everyone would just relax......

 Jane Austen:

“A lady's imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.”     P& P. 

I hope that is not your state. I hope you are not that foolish, guard yourself.  

K, let me have it! Id love to hear from some of the ladies on how you deal with boy friend relationships.

Anyway, thought this article would put things into better perspective than my writings.

Boyfriends vs. Boy Friends

 check this great post by Rebekah Snyder.
teenagers eating pizza
I grew up sandwiched between three brothers. Because of this, I spent many of my childhood years playing with boys. And while I noticed the differences between boys and girls, I also noticed the similarities. Over the years, I learned to appreciate boy friends in the same manner I appreciate my girlfriends. In fact, sometimes I need to escape the drama that can often exist in a group of girls and simply hang out with some guys. 

But the older I get, the more people inform me that I can't "just" be friends with a guy. They keep telling me that every guy/girl relationship has an underlying current of romance. While I'll agree that a relationship can easily turn that way, I don't think that all relationships are destined to do so. And if that's the case, then I guess I'm just a really big flirt because I interact with a lot of guys (most of whom I've known since elementary school). 

Just a glance at our culture proves that there is a huge emphasis placed on romance. Perhaps it is that mentality that keeps us from seeing that it is possible for a guy and a girl to "just" be friends. Because we were created differently, it probably isn't the greatest idea to make a guy your best friend, but you can build a healthy relationship that isn't based on romance.
Remember, God created Eve to be Adam's helpmate. He fashioned her for one man, not the entire human race. God also created you to marry one man, so don't live your life as if every guy you meet is that one special person. You do have to exercise caution when interacting with guys because men are also familiar with the "no such thing as friends" lie, and what you never want to do is lead a guy on. There are certain friends to whom you bare your heart and soul, and then there are others who you simply enjoy being with on a more casual level. Drop the romantic notions and get to know a few guys on that casual level. You'll probably be blessed as greatly as I've been. 


  1. I haven't even finished reading this post and I have to comment!

    Ladies--guys aren't scary, alien, or subhuman. They are people, just like us. ;) I grew up in an all-girl family. Many assume that because of that, I haven't had much exposure to male friends or brothers in Christ. Not so. Actually, I think my upbringing has helped me to look at young gentleman as no more than friends. And that simple concept is something a lot of Christian homeschooled ladies miss. They are afraid to talk to men. They whine and mope about never finding a husband, all the while admitting that they are scared to death of the opposite gender! That is a totally foreign concept to me. Not having sons/brothers has forced my parents, myself, and siblings to go out of our comfort zone--at a very early stage. I've been socializing in mixed-gender settings for as long as I remember. My parents taught me to look at men simply as friends--and for the most part that mindset has worked very well. I have a clear distinction between friendships and actual "interests". I don't "fall" for every man who looks at me. Actually, I think it's a little strange when other girls talk about "the new crush of the week", or "oh my goodness, he LOOKED at me. I think he wants to marry me"!!! Um. Wake up. ;)

    My motto is--men are people too. Not objects to gawk over or make into "items". Yes, attraction is natural--and necessary. . .but not every single man in your acquaintance is a potential! Having guy friends has taught me to evaluate, to weight good from bad character, to determine which qualities I find attractive or unattractive. . .and I can say with 100% confidence WHEN and IF I like someone. It's rare. ;) My guy friends are my brothers. . .in a deeper sense then most. I love them, appreciate them. . .and yes, I admit that I'd rather be friends with guys. They are honest, down-to-earth, and there are absolutely no airs or pressure. Apply that to friendships with girls. . .and things get tense. ;) haha

    Anyway--just my two cents. This could be a blog post in itself! (and yeah mom. . .I'm not really talking to you. Sorry. :P ) Ladies--guys are human too. And they don't all want to marry you. Just as you shouldn't want to marry all of them. That's really absurd. Start protecting your emotions--and the next time a guy looks at you, smile and still that fluttering heart. He might just be friendly. He might feel just as insecure as YOU do. Put him at ease, and goodness, stop crushing on him!

    1. I hear you, sister! So glad you girls are strong in what you believe & wont budge unless the Lord shows you differently :) May God use you in other ladies lives.

    2. You have a good head on your shoulders btw :)

  2. Among us homeschoolers the boyfriend vs boy/friend is a hot topic! I grew up having friends of both genders and like Michaela have almost found it easier to be friends with guys, less catty competition, and besides they like better movies and TV shows! ;-)

    I watched my sister fall in love with one of the guys in our circle of friends. If we had kept our social circle to females only, she never would have found her husband!

    *sigh* Being the overly romantic person that I am, I have developed a few crushes over the years (can a girl reach 26 and not have had any crushes? If so, I would like to meet this girl and ask some advice!) but being the one sided affairs (and believe me, they have all been decidedly one sided!) that they were, they quickly faded away and I was left no worse off then when I started.

    My advice on the subject is keep a level head and bring all of the relationships in your life to God and if He wants a relationship in your life to develop into something more, it will, all the worry and obsessing will do nothing to help. God can make things happen without any help from you! =)

  3. Ah, KatySue, you are so right. You have truth here. In some cases, yes, friends can become lovers, it does happen no doubt. Im glad it worked for you sister!

    I love your last line, "God can make things happen without any help from you!" YES! He is in control, not us. If He's in it, it will happen.

    thank you for your wonderful note of encouragement :)

  4. Fantastic poast, Mrs. Ferrar! Whew, I wish I had gotten this in my head as a teen. Would have saved SO much trouble. Now at almost twenty-four I still deal with hangups about it. :) Y'all have done a fantastic job raising such wonderful, balanced daughters and I'm blessed to know them. :) Keep on teaching all this, it's SO important!!!!

  5. Hi Allie! You know what, Im getting real old & I still dont get things in my head! haha... We are forever learning, yes? Thank you for the encouragement & thank you for being a friend to my girls :) Blessings.... tell mom, hi!