Monday, December 16, 2013

overly picky girls

How many times have you heard someone say, "You're overly picky!!!!" hmmmm... How picky should we be? I know my girls are, but is there anything wrong with that really? What are you picky about? Is it a young mans looks, stature etc... well, those are the physical, but I am a firm believer in being extremely picky when it comes to ones doctrinal beliefs, no questions asked ~ you will be raising children together one day. Much goes into a serious relationship headed for marriage :) Well, with all of that aside, I'm not sure being picky is a bad thing. I do believe though being overly picky will leave you single. Depending what it is you are being picky about of course.

Also, attraction is very normal, but it has to go both ways. 

On the other hand, letting a guy "know" you are interested in him is doable in a lady-like fashion, but this too can be done to an extreme. I've seen girls suffocate a young man/men to death where the girl begins to look desperate & tries everything under her hat to get him to talk to her. Guys will feel forced, especially when they are not interested. A gentleman will respond to the girl out of kindness perhaps, but that doesn't mean he is interested, if anything, bothered. You may be thinking you are moving forward in chasing, but rather you are actually falling through. So, Id say a gal can really do damage where she may have deceived herself into thinking a guy is interested just because he acknowledges her. Ladies, be so careful not to go ahead of God. 

That's where I'm thinking the guy needs to man up if he is interested in you. If you haven't scared him away yet, give him a chance to be a man, but men, go for it if you are interested, lest someone else comes in & takes her over.
This doesn't discount that men are extremely picky too! I've seen it! The blame is usually put on the lady for being way too picky, but you should hear the conversations of young men in our circles. It goes both ways.   

I'm no expert on relationships, only through experience.

*sift through this, bro..I mean... dude...* 

Hey, he gets his point across! :)

Overly Picky Girls
"You can be a great guy, trying to do everything right, and still be rejected. You can be seeking after God and growing in your faith and still be rejected, all because the girl isn't attracted to you."
Bro, there is nothing wrong with the fact that you can "do everything right" and still be rejected because relationships are not mathematical equations. The dynamics that bring a man and a woman together are much more complex than a mere checklist of to-dos.
Given two women of equally mature faith and equally sound character, what makes a man attracted to one and not the other? The answer to that question goes both ways. Do you think women should want to date you based off of a checklist or because of who you are? Physical beauty and personality are integral parts of attraction, and attraction is an integral part of romantic relationships.
Which leads to the question: Are you giving women a chance to find out who you are and respond to you?
I firmly believe that a vast majority of the rejections men receive would not happen if they were a little more patient and perceptive to the cues women give. In many cases, it's obvious when a woman is into you. The truth of this statement obviously varies according to your level of perceptiveness, so if you're oblivious, then do some research. Google "how to tell if a woman digs you." Even the most conservative girl who would never ask a guy out is still bound to give you cues as to whether she's into you or not. If you are asking out girls who haven't given you the go ahead, then you're just a sucker for punishment.
If the girl you're interested in hasn't had the chance to get to know you, then you should probably create that opportunity before asking her out. Invite her to group events, and here's a thought: Have conversations with her that don't involve you asking her out.
I'm not saying that you need a 100-percent level of confidence before asking a girl out; just make sure there's some context to the invitation.
"We live in a culture today where Christian young people have bought into the Hollywood myth of only finding certain types 'attractive,' and this is very hurtful to guys like me who try to be manly in biblical ways and not worldly ways. Too many Christian girls today aren't interested in seeking a Christian guy, but rather, a worldly guy who also happens to be Christian, just because they view him as more sexy or attractive."
To a certain degree, I understand what you're saying, dude. The world does sell a false image of manliness and sexiness, and tries to change the standards with which we pursue romantic relationships. The prevalence of this problem will no doubt make life more difficult for a guy who doesn't adhere to the worldly image of manhood, and that's just a fact of life.

It's when you say that there are "too many Christian girls today" who are misled in their pursuit of worldly men that I take pause. In a literal sense, this is true because one misled Christian girl is one too many. But I think the real point of your thought just isn't true. There are plenty of godly women out there who are looking for godly men, and many of them are frustrated, waiting to be asked out. If you only pursue women who desire the "Hollywood myth," then that's your problem, and you should stop blaming women for it.
And this gets to what I've perceived as the two main problems for many Christian guys who struggle in the dating game: wrong expectations and hypocrisy.
If you're working so hard to be a godly guy, then why are you pursuing women who don't want godly guys? Could it be that you're pursuing women you find attractive and not just women of sound character? You're going after women who desire worldly guys which basically means that you're going after worldly women. Do you see the problem with your complaint?
If you believe so strongly in the ideal of choosing romantic partners based on spiritual qualities, does that mean that you've been asking out women who don't appeal to common ideals of attractiveness but who have amazing hearts? In other words, are you asking out girls you don't think are hot because you know they are strong Christians?
Here's a hard truth: It's really common for a guy who isn't exceptionally attractive or who has meager social skills to get angry when women who are "out of his league" reject his romantic advances. He then decides that this rejection is a character flaw on the woman's part — all while ignoring so many wonderful women who are ready to marry, just because they don't meet his equally shallow expectations.
My advice here is that you do some serious soul-searching and ask God to illuminate this part of your life. If the results of your introspection are more self-righteousness, then keep digging.
"What can I do as a Christian guy to be more attractive to Christian girls?"
Some guys need to fix their expectations, and some guys just need to step up their game. A fair degree of the rules of attraction apply both to Christian girls and worldly girls. You can't just pursue the qualities that only Christian girls find attractive while ignoring the qualities that all humans find attractive.
On a practical level, it never hurts to work on your style, your social skills, etc. If there's a chance that this is part of your problem, then ask someone who is brutally honest to give you some tips about the way you dress or the way you relate to women. The fact that you may desire a platonic ideal in which looks and charm don't matter, doesn't mean the world works that way. You can be an awesome guy, but if you dress like the Unabomber, then you're just asking for rejection.

"What do women want?"
A woman wants a man who is confident, kind, Christlike, takes care of himself, and treats her like a queen.


  1. I found this post most captivating lay interesting! I personally I'm very attracted to young men who show leadership,spiritual maturity and bible knowledge. It's something I see rarely in guys today that draws my attention almost immediately! Something I think goes for both genders is being attracted to someone who is confident in themselves not neccasarily outgoing,but confident in who they are.

    1. You are so right, I think most Christian women feel the same as you. There is nothing more attractive than a man who leads, knows the Word & lives it. Im not talking head knowledge, so many have that it seems, but dont apply it in their daily walk. A man that loves the Lord & lives for him is the most attractive. Looks are a bonus, but not the catch-all. So, in this we ought to be extremely picky. Im with you.

  2. Interesting article! When it comes to finding someone to marry, I honestly do not think you should lower your standards when it comes to spiritual stuff, even if it seems like you'll never get married unless you lower your standards. The world will always put pressure on single people to get married young, look for this thing or that, but will rarely encourage you to stick to your convictions (many times you'll probably feel you're too picky). The older you get, the harder this may become, but wouldn't you rather get married a little older than find yourself in a bad relationship/marriage because you felt you were too picky and lowered your standards?
    One helpful thing would be to discuss the things you might want in a guy or girl with godly parents/pastor/mentor/ anyone you trust to give you sound, biblical advice, and many times they may help you to see the areas where you may be a little too picky, or other areas where it would be good to raise standards. Don't be afraid to ask!

    I have to admit I'd like to marry an attractive guy, who doesn't? ;) But this is one area where I need to be careful not to be too picky. While everyone has preferences, getting a mental picture of what "your man" must look like might mean you miss a gem of a guy, just because he doesn't fit your mental picture.
    Beauty isn't everything, even those who the world might label "plain" can be beautiful if the love of God
    radiates from their lives, and I've personally experienced that, knowing someone who at first glance may not be the prettiest or most handsome, but as you get to know them you find a inner beauty which radiates outwards.
    Someone who not only talks the talk but walks the walk is worth finding and pursuing in this world!

    1. Samantha, I couldnt agree with you more. I see so many young ladies/men lowering their standards & then end up in disastrous relationships. Its a mess. To think it will work out just because you are liking a person is a red flag. Doctrine is a good foundation to build on. If you are not on the same page Biblically, you will have major stress on your hands when the children come.

      Beautifully written by you! :)

  3. I didn't read this entire article, but I really liked your input, mom. I think it's good to be picky, however I am NOT into list making, and we (goes for bother genders,) need to remember that no one is perfect. Everyone has sin. Everyone has faults. I so dislike the "Mr. Darcy" image many homeschooled ladies have created for men. Give the guy a break! ;) This doesn't mean compromising standards, of course, but everyone is on their own Spiritual journey. I do agree however with Samantha--looks DO matter, to a certain extent. ;)

  4. Great article! For once it's nice to see someone exhorting people to not lower their standards just for the sake of getting married. God gave you the desire for a man/woman with those attributes for a reason. :)