Saturday, October 19, 2013

a truth universally acknowledged

This funny little tid-bit was sent to me by one of my readers, because with relationships you just need a good laugh sometimes, yes? 
A Truth Universally Acknowledged 
The other day I had a sudden revelation: Pride and Prejudice is real, you guys. As in, it all really actually happened. Maybe not to the Bennet family in 19th Century England, but most definitely to large, unsocialized families right here in the United States. Because it dawned on me just a few short days ago… Pride and Prejudice is about homeschool families.
It is a truth, universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a homeschool education must be in want of a wife.
However little known the background or theological views of such a man may be on his first entering a church, this truth is so well fixed in the minds of the surrounding families, that he is considered as the rightful property of some one or other of their graduated, stay-at-home daughters.
“My dear Mr. Bennet,” said his lady to him one day, “have you heard that a new young man was sitting in the fourth row last Sunday?”
Mr. Bennet replied that he had not.
“But he was,” returned she; “for the pastor’s wife, Mrs. Long, has just been here, and she told me all about it.”
Mr. Bennet made no answer.
“Do not you want to know who he is?” cried his wife impatiently.
You want to tell me, and I have no objection to hearing it.”
This was invitation enough.
“Why, my dear, you must know, Mrs. Long says that the fourth row as occupied by a conservative law student from Patrick Henry College; that he came down last Sunday to visit the church, and was so much delighted with it that he agreed with Pastor Long immediately; that he is to join in membership next Sunday, and some of his family are visit by the end of the month.”
“What is his name?”
“Is he married or single?”
“Oh!  single, my dear, to be sure!  A single man of a solid education and strong theology.  What a fine thing for our girls!”
“How so?  how can it affect them?”
“My dear Mr. Bennet,” replied his wife, “how can you be so tiresome!  You must know that I am thinking of his marrying one of them.”
“Is that his design in joining our church?”
“Design!  nonsense, how can you talk so!  But it is very likely that he may fall in love with one of them, and therefore you must visit him before he comes again.”
“I see no occasion for that.  You and the girls may go, or you may send them by themselves, which perhaps will be still better; for, as you are as good-looking as any of them, Mr. Bingley might like you the best of the group.”
“My dear, you flatter me.  I certainly have had my share of beauty, (I used to be considered quite the catch in high school, you know–but of course that was public school and it mustn’t really count) but I do not pretend to be any thing extraordinary now.  When a woman has five grown up daughters, she ought to give up thinking of her own beauty.”
“In such cases, a woman has not often much beauty to think of. That’s why God made makeup.”
“But, my dear, you must indeed go and see Mr. Bingley when he comes into church next week.”
“It is more than I engage for, I assure you.”
“But consider your daughters! Two of them have already been graduated for over a year!  Only think what an establishment it would be for one of them! William and Luca are determined to go, merely on that account, for in general, you know they don’t usually talk to visitors. Indeed you must go, for it will be impossible for us to visit him, if you do not.”
“You are too much of a matchmaker.  I dare say Mr. Bingley will be very glad to see you; and I will send him a short text to assure him of my hearty consent to his marrying which ever he chooses of the girls; though I must throw in a good word for my little Lizzy.”
“You will do no such thing! Lizzy is not a bit better than the others; and I am sure she is not half so pretty as Jane, nor half as funny as Lydia. But you are always giving her the preference.”
“None of them really have much going for them,” replied he; “they are all silly and ignorant like other girls (and they use the word “like”, like, all the time) but Lizzy’s a little sharper than the rest.”
“Mr. Bennet, how can you talk about your own children in such way? Old Schoolhouse Magazine had an article on the dangers of favoritism just last month! You take delight in vexing me.  You have no compassion on my poor nerves.”
“You mistake me, my dear.  I have a high respect for your nerves.  They are my old friends.  I have heard you mention them with consideration these twenty years at least. Aren’t they the reason why we spend so much money on those organic supplements each month?”
“Ah!  you do not know what I suffer.”
“On the contrary, you made me watch a documentary about it. But I hope you will get over it, and live to see many young men of solid background and good theological teaching come into the church.”
“It will be no use to us if twenty such should come, since you will not visit them.”
“Depend upon it, my dear, that when a family with twenty of them come to our church, I will visit them all. I always wanted to meet the Duggars.”
And there you have it. We live in a culture of Mrs. Bennets, Darcies, and Bingleys…


  1. Okay, this is hilarious. HILAAAAARIOUS. And a bit painfully spot-on. Heh. Wow. "That's why God made makeup..." I actually laughed out loud.

  2. Ooooh my goodness. That is one of the funniest things I've read in a very long time - and so true!!! Thank you so much for posting this! I'll definitely be sharing it with some friends! :-D

    ~ Vicki

  3. This is SO funny (sad but funny)!! :D

  4. OH. MY. GOSH.

    That was awesome. :D

  5. Teehee. That's a real commentary on human nature - which is why we love Jane Austin to begin with. :-) I remember worrying about our family's opportunities to "meet people" myself. :-) But, really, I remember a lady in a church that had a Bible institute telling me how there was a young man attending there and how she (and another lady?) kept bugging him that he needed to get married. He said he wasn't going to get married till he finished his course, but they kept pestering him because he might lose chances and was going to waste. Ha. He stuck to his plan and didn't get married till he'd finished the course and then she just had nothing but good to say about the wife he got. But, did the busybodies learn anything by that? Sadly, probably not. While the lack of interest in marrying is a disturbing tendency, the meddling has been downright scary to me at times! I've experienced it for myself and can testify to it's being unnerving! Mrs. Bennet has plenty of modern day counterparts.

    1. hehe... good stuff. I really enjoy your stories btw :)